Movie Plots

Here's a movie summary from a trailer that has just posted on Apple.com:

In Lucky You, a professional poker player (Eric Bana) gets a lesson in life from a struggling singer (Drew Barrymore) as he collides with his estranged father (Robert Duvall) at the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas.

That sounds about as stupid as a head of cauliflower. Who exactly is thinking up these stories? No wonder most people think Hollywood is worthless these days.

Let's see...might as well make up our own movie summary by swapping nouns, verbs and adjectives.

In Unlucky You, a professional plumber (Eric Bana) gets a load of lard from a wriggling pig-impersonator (Drew Barrymore) as he performs a series of illegal reverse-liposuction with a disbarred doctor (Robert Duvall) at the World Convention of Gaunt People in Des Moines, Iowa.

Yuck. They both sound terrible.

Taxation without Representation

We need another Boston Tea Party.

Suspicious Liquids

Look, if the airport police and the airport dogs are getting nervous, don't carry suspicious liquids with you onboard.

Valentine's Day is Coming

Ah, Valentine's Day. Celebrating the brutal martyrdom of Saint Valentine by foisting roses, chocolates and expensive greeting cards on various folks.

You may celebrate yours by purchasing exotic t-shirts from the beautiful and talented demi-gods at Pantelope. Visit Pantelope.com now. Don't delay. Run, don't walk. Drop all else.

Time is Money is Time is Life

Lately, I've been thinking about the idea that our money just isn't time - it's a portion of our life. When I go into the store and buy a bottle of tonic water, I'm not just giving the clerk $1.97, I'm handing over the portion of my life that it took to earn that $1.97.

True, I might aquire other things than money during the time that it took me to earn the $1.97, such as experience, a tan, more muscles, whatever.

However, I truly am trading a portion of my life for what I buy.

I wonder if we could move to a currency system where we can simply trade portions of our future instead of portions of our past (which is basically what most money is)? Of course, the complication in that is that we would then be forced to either die prematurely in order to pay-up, or become someone's slave for the last part of our life.

Once Upon A Time...

Here's a story I just stumbled across in a Harvard anthology of modern children's tales. The brevity and beauty of it struck me. Enjoy (it).

-----

Once upon a time, a gnome named Fred lived in the woods. He made a living as an assassin, working for hire for various governments, corporate entities, and the occasional tempermental wife. He was an assassin with ethics, though, and never took contracts against children or Republican women. He lived to a ripe old age and then retired when he was 65 to the French Riviera, as he had wisely invested his money in good mutual funds. He bought a small house in view of the sea and spent his days pottering about in the garden, cooking extravagant dinners for his friends, and sailing his Columbia 42.

The End

The Hinge Factor

Reading an interesting book called The Hinge Factor. Each chapter is about an important battle in world history that, apparently, turned on a very small detail. For want of a nail, for want of a horseshoe, for want of a horse. That sort of thing.

I wonder what kinds of hinge factors exist, and will exist, in our lives?

Enter the Cat as Sidney Carton

Today, I attended a hearing by the State Water Quality Control Board concerning potential changes to how the State monitors and regulates run-off. Specifically, run-off that makes it into the ocean. The bottom line is: they don't want any run-off, including storm events (ie., rain).

One of the interesting things is that cat feces apparently contains a bacteria that can kill otters. The environmental community is very put out by this, as they love otters. The route that they and the State are pursuing to save the cute little otters is to stop run-off from urban areas by the ocean, reasoning correctly that such run-off is chock-full of the fecal material of Mr. and Mrs. Jones' pet tabby Matilda.

Another option that no one has discussed is just to kill all the cats. Let them be the sacrifice as Sidney Carton was in Tale of Two Cities. The only difference, of course, is that Carton had a choice in the matter and had a great ending monologue.

Information

If you control a person's information, then you control that person.

False Advertisement

I was driving home from the grocery store tonight when I noticed the marquee sign outside of the local deli-winery. It read: BELINDA CARLUCCI, TASTING THURSDAY. Now, you and I both know that that simply refers to a make of wine. My concern with it is: what would a visiting delegation of cannibals from Zaire make of it?

Down with Raggedy Andy

I'm afraid that Raggedy Andy is not an appropriate sort of toy for infants. This is not due to gender issues of male infants having their masculinity threatened by playing with dolls (boys will always figure out how to dismember, decapitate, destroy, etc., whatever it is that they are playing with - yet another proof that there is a difference). Rather, the problem is the darn yarn hair. They bite it off, choke on it, and then vomit out their morning bottle onto your jeans.