Ahmadinejad's Letter to America

I was recently intrigued, as you probably were, my dear Wormwood, to read Ahmadinejad's letter written to the American people. However, as the poor fellow does not speak English and doubtlessly could not afford a top-class translator due to falling oil prices, I've taken it upon myself to explain his letter in order to compensate for the mediocre translation.


In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful. O, Almighty God, bestow upon humanity the perfect human being promised to all by You, and make us among his followers. (my guess is that he's referring to Tom Cruise with that "perfect human" bit)

Noble Americans,

Were we not faced with the activities of the US administration in this part of the world and the negative ramifications of those activities on the daily lives of our peoples, (he means that he can't behead people in peace anymore) coupled with the many wars and calamities caused by the US administration as well as the tragic consequences of US interference in other countries; (he means tragic in terms of stopping Hitler from killing all the Jews)

Were the American people not God-fearing, truth-loving, and justice-seeking, (yes, we are justice-seeking and there are a lot of shotguns in small-town America just waiting to blow a load of rock-salt into your scrawny heinie) while the US administration actively conceals the truth and impedes any objective portrayal of current realities; (your reality is on par with a Barney video teaching kids how to blow themselves up while chanting "I love you, you love me")

And if we did not share a common responsibility to promote and protect freedom and human dignity and integrity; (your freedom is about blowing people up and stoning women; our freedom is about stopping you, which might mean blowing you up)

Then, there would have been little urgency to have a dialogue with you. (the only dialogue we need to have with you is to determine what color you want your straightjacket to be)

While Divine providence has placed Iran and the United States geographically far apart, we should be cognizant that human values and our common human spirit, (we value humans, and you blow them up - I suppose there is some kind of weird commonality in that) which proclaim the dignity and exalted worth of all human beings, have brought our two great nations of Iran and the United States closer together. (yes, come closer... a little bit closer, and then we'll open up a can of good old southern whupass)

Both our nations are God-fearing, truth-loving and justice-seeking, and both seek dignity, respect and perfection. (you folks see perfection in explosions, kind of like the old Russian anarchists - they're all dead, so maybe you should clue in on that)

Both greatly value and readily embrace the promotion of human ideals such as compassion (Muslims prefer stoning women who have been raped), empathy (...also prefer to kill cartoonists who offend them), respect for the rights of human beings (...slaughter film-makers who offend them), securing justice and equity (...riot like there's no tomorrow if they feel offended), and defending the innocent and the weak against oppressors and bullies. (unless they're infidels, women, children, Jews, white people, short people, fat people, homosexuals, Christians, Americans, Westerners, Republicans, members of the Elks Lodge, trade unionists, folks from Scranton, Pennsylvania, or anyone with two kidneys or not)

We are all inclined towards the good, and towards extending a helping hand to one another, particularly to those in need. (yes, a helping hand holding a knife)

We all deplore injustice, the trampling of peoples' rights and the intimidation and humiliation of human beings. (unless we're talking about infidels, and pretty much everyone is an infidel)

We all detest darkness, deceit, lies and distortion, and seek and admire salvation, enlightenment, sincerity and honesty. (that means he's very fond of the New York Times)

The pure human essence of the two great nations of Iran and the United States testify to the veracity of these statements. (human essence? you mean, we all poop out of our backsides?)

Noble Americans,

Our nation has always extended its hand of friendship to all other nations of the world. (yeah, sure - the fist of friendship, the chattering AK-47 of friendship, the beautiful explosion of C4 friendship)

Hundreds of thousands of my Iranian compatriots are living amongst you in friendship and peace, and are contributing positively to your society (ie., ready to blow themselves up in malls and churches and McDonalds when you say the word). Our people have been in contact with you over the past many years and have maintained these contacts despite the unnecessary restrictions of US authorities. (unnecessary restrictions such as visas and immigration control? oh right, I forgot, you just pay some guy in Mexicali $1000 and he waltzes you across the border)

As mentioned, we have common concerns, face similar challenges, and are pained by the sufferings and afflictions in the world. (you mean, you're pained by the existence of Israel and want to blow them off the map, after which, you'd like to blow everyone else off the map)
We, like you, are aggrieved by the ever-worsening pain and misery of the Palestinian people. (but we don't want them in our country of Iran or any other Muslim country, of course; they can stay and suffer where they are, as they provide great photo-ops for our fellow comrades in CNN and al-Reuters) Persistent aggressions by the Zionists are making life more and more difficult for the rightful owners of the land of Palestine. (it isn't important that the Jewish settlers bought the land from the locals) In broad day-light, in front of cameras and before the eyes of the world, they are bombarding innocent defenseless civilians, bulldozing houses, firing machine guns at students in the streets and alleys, and subjecting their families to endless grief. (of course, we won't mention all the brave suicide bombers blowing up women and children in shopping malls)

The letter continues, but my patience does not. Essentially, Ahmadina-whatever-his-name goes on in further leaps and bounds of textual idiocy to make a compelling and fascinating case for being the world's most profound jackass. He's right up there with several of our best and brightest in Hollywood who, in years past, have dared to open their mouths without the benefit of a scriptwriter. Ahmadina-whatever-his-name, however, clearly takes the loony-cake. Soberingly enough, though, Hitler very well might have been considered a loony on the merits of Mein Kampf before he rose to power. We might be facing a similar man, similar absurdities, and the similar approach of a very wicked day.