Treehugging

A recent study on Arboreal Pyschology by Herr Professor Doktor Bruno Sprungli of the University of Flarmstadt in Bavaria has brought to light some interesting and hitherto unknown facts. After several years of analyzing the Western Reticulated Maple, the Common British Oak and the Continental Yew (as opposed to the Intercontinental Yew, which is merely a type of Chinese ballistic missile), Professor Sprungli discovered that trees possess certain psychological characteristics that, if viewed in light of the several strands of common DNA that they share with homo sapiens, should have been self-evident. Specifically, they can feel joy, fear, anger and several variations between those three. After several repetitions of unfortunate incidents in the laboratory involving various graduate students and falling branches, Professor Sprungli discovered that trees enjoy dropping heavy objects on people and animals (which was sadly proven one day when Doktor Amalie Meissen-Hittenstrassen's Pekinese wandered into the lab). Furthermore, after the study was joined by several doctoral students from the Environmetal Studies Department of the University of California, Berkley, Professor Sprungli realized that trees hate being hugged. In fact, there is a direct correlation between arboreal hugging and the incident of branches being dropped on heads (usually of those who have previously come into close and prolonged contact with the trees' trunks).

When asked to elaborate on his theory for the Berliner Zeitung, Professor Sprungli remarked, "Ja, if der folksen hiken in den foresten, mussen wearen diese kitchen potten on der head."