Satanic Toads, Frogs and Kangaroo Rats

Due to some recent hate mail that I received, I feel it necessary to explain my blog's title. Not that I think it necessary - rather, I feel it necessary, for I am a modern man, complete with fashion sense and delicate emotions. Before we begin, here's the mail.

SUBJECT: HUGE MONEY TRANSFER
ATTN: SIR/MADAM

l am ENGR. USMAN DAGGASH. a Civil Servant in the Ministry of Health. l know this proposal will come to you as surprise since we have not met before physically or through correspondence. I got your contact from our Nigeria chamber of commerce and have no doubt in your ability to handle this proposal involving huge sum of money. My father ALHAJI USMAN DAGGASH (Now Late) was the Royal Head of my community, Eleme in Nigeria. My community produces 5.8% of oil production in Nigeria and 0.5% of the Dollar value of each barrel is paid to my father as royalty by Government. In his position, he made some money which he left for me as only heir. The money is Eighteen Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars($18.5m). Due to poor banking system and political instability as a result of past Military rules (1985-1999), he deposited this Money in a Strong Room in Royal Bank of Nigeria waiting arrangement to transfer it abroad. He was planning this when died last year of Heart attack. Just before my father died he charged me look for kind foreigner who would assist me in transfer of funds abroad. So l would very grateful if you accept to help me achieve this great objective. I give you 20% of total funds transferred to your vital bank account as compensation for happy assistance. Contact me urgently and confidentially through my e-mail address above immediately. You are also requested to forward your personal telephone/fax numbers to me. All legal Documents concerning Money will be sent to you as soon as we agreed. May Allah very bless you.

Yours faithfully I wait,
ENGR. USMAN DAGGASH.

At least, I suspect it's hate mail. Granted, there's nothing specific in terms of addressing my previous thoughts on tamborines, baba ganoosh, or etc., and he doesn't actually use the word "hate" or "kill" or "I am planning on bombing your house with many bombs, you unregenerate limb of Satan" (though it felt like he came really close, once or twice), but you have to admit that any letter-writer such as Usman Daggash that deliberately ignores your key points in favor of the concerns of his own missive has some serious issues.

I'm curious as to why he draws so much attention to the fact that he's an Engraver. Why is there such a position in the Ministry of Health? Do they engrave something on people's foreheads, once they've had their vaccinations? Here, you've had your hepatitis B shot, stand still and stop squirming while I engrave that on your forehead. I honestly don't know, but I think someone should find out. Maybe he means Engrover? Does he plant trees? Or is he some kind of representative for Sesame Street in Nigeria, doing public service health announcements dressed up as Grover?

Anyway, let's cut past the raw emotion here that Daggash is displaying and get to the chase. Toads, frogs, kangaroo rats, and their ilk are satanic little creatures due to the fact that they have more power in government than humans have. Therefore, if you have a chance, rocket 'em. Or at the very least, hit them with a shovel and then bury the evidence. Or, if you're feeling peckish, get creative with your casseroles.