ToadRocket

Calvin Klein's New Angle on Life

2007-03-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

They've trademarked the bogus word "technosexual" and are apparently bent on creating a whole line of fashion for it.

Whatever. These are the days when I wish I had a swarm of super speedy swamp slugs at my disposal. I would send them post-haste to Manhattan to the Calvin Klein office for a little swarming.

Maybe I should trademark the word "hecknosexual?"

The Academy Awards Rhyme with Gourd

2007-02-26T16:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure where to go from there, but it's the awful truth. I suppose if the Academy Awards were held on some Polynesian island where the men only wear penis-gourds, maybe they would be called the Academy Gourds.

Or maybe not. I don't think I'm going to lose much time thinking about that one.

At any rate. The Academy Awards of 2007.

Who cares?

California Needs A Spanking

2007-02-24T17:33:00.000-08:00

California needs a spanking. The state needs it for lots of reasons, of course, chief among them Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, and the fact that we let Hollywood and all of its plastic, botoxed demi-gods keep on churning out moronic movies.

However, the latest reason is Assemblywoman Sally Leiber of San Jose. Leiber, a Democrat, has introduced a bill that will outlaw spanking. AB 755. Of course, she doesn't have any children. Corporal punishment, whether you like it or not, gets the job done and keeps kids in line. It has worked well for millions of families over the ages without any great complaint or subsequent neuroses.

Granted, anything in life can be abused and misused. But just because something is misused doesn't mean it should be outlawed. If you followed that logic, we'd be banning butter right and left, as well as practically everything else around here. Cheese would definitely get banned. A lot of people abuse and misuse cheese, if you know what I mean.

Here's my ad hominem attack for the day: Sally Leiber, judging from her photos, should concentrate on banning butter rather than spanking. That would probably have an immediate and positive effect on her.

Costco and the Polish

2007-02-24T17:22:00.000-08:00

No, this is not a racist post. I have nothing against the Polish people. Costco, as far as I know, has nothing against the Polish people as well. They fought the Nazis and the Soviets, and that's good enough in my book (as an aside to my previous Peace Activist post - what would these peace activists have done when the Soviet tanks were rolling into town? - "oh pardon me, Mr. Kommisar, we're for peace!" He would've probably raised one thick eyebrow and then packed the lot of 'em off to Siberia).

Rather, Costco should be applauded, praised, lauded and celebrated for the great deal they have on the Polish & Drink at their outside food counter. $1.50 for a 1/4 pound Polish and a Drink. Ah, heaven on earth.

Peace Activists and Godzilla

2007-02-24T17:08:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, some peace activists scuttle out of whatever broken down '73 VW bus they live in and deposit themselves, like unwanted minerals on your toilet porcelain, at one of the main intersections in my town.
They were out in force today, mainly due to the nice weather, I suppose. They had signs with sayings like: "Honk For Peace" or "Down With Bush" or just the peace symbol.
One of the mildly interesting things about these folks is that they all look like scraggly leftovers from the 60s.
Anyway, it is at times like these that I have a tough time holding onto my christianity. Driving past them, the thought struck me that it might be nice to be able to control wild animals or at least insects with my mind. That way, I could send a swarm of mosquitos onto the peace activists and see how long they stay peaceful.
Or, maybe it would be productive to get my own sign and stand among 'em. My sign would say something like: "Honk If You Think Peace Activists Are Dopes" or "Honk If You Think War Is Sometimes Necessary" or "Honk If You Think The Guy Next To Me Is A Weenie."
Or, maybe it'd be nice if Godzilla just showed up and ate 'em all.

The Marriage of Rick Warren and Barack Obama

2006-12-10T15:06:00.000-08:00

Rick Warren, pastor and author of The Purpose Driven Life, had Senator Barack Obama out to his church last week to speak about AIDS and prevention. The Senator received a standing ovation. One church member remarked afterward that, "If I had my preference, abstinence would get the most emphasis. But I'm not so insensitive to other cultures and other ways of thinking to know that abstinence is not always going to be the answer."

The logic behind Warren inviting Obama to speak is less than compelling. The church member's response is, frankly, something worse than moronic. If you follow that logic with other issues, the stupidity of it becomes a bit more glaring. Consider it with the issue of murder: "If I had my preference, not murdering folks would get the most emphasis. But I'm not so insensitive to other cultures and other ways of thinking to know that not murdering folks is not always going to be the answer."

Rick Warren needs to retire.

Sad But True Joke

2006-12-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

What's the difference between a developer and an environmentalist?

A developer wants to build a home in the country. An environmentalist has a home in the country.

Hillary Clinton for Prez

2006-12-03T16:53:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like Hillary Clinton is semi-officially in the race to become our next President. She's put together an exploratory team together to investigate her options.

I'd like to put an exploratory team together to investigate options of immigrating to another galaxy before 2008.

Louie's Bull

2006-11-30T19:38:00.000-08:00

Recently, I wrote a song called Poor Louie's Bull and then posted it several days ago on my song blog. The song's about one of our local county supervisors - a dairyman - who made an unpopular vote on a development permit. This resulted in his bull getting assassinated one night. Some psychotic twit cut through the fence and blew the bull away.
Great material for music.
Anyway, little did I know...
The local papers got hold of it and ran stories about the song and the bull (the murder happened one year ago). Now, besides the Monterey Herald and the Salinas Californian, the Sacramento Bee, the San Jose Mercury News, some paper up in San Francisco, one in San Luis Obispo and the Contra Costa Times have all run the story.
Whee...
Wonder what I should sing about next?

Ahmadinejad's Letter to America

2006-11-29T21:16:00.000-08:00

I was recently intrigued, as you probably were, my dear Wormwood, to read Ahmadinejad's letter written to the American people. However, as the poor fellow does not speak English and doubtlessly could not afford a top-class translator due to falling oil prices, I've taken it upon myself to explain his letter in order to compensate for the mediocre translation.

In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful. O, Almighty God, bestow upon humanity the perfect human being promised to all by You, and make us among his followers. (my guess is that he's referring to Tom Cruise with that "perfect human" bit)

Noble Americans,

Were we not faced with the activities of the US administration in this part of the world and the negative ramifications of those activities on the daily lives of our peoples, (he means that he can't behead people in peace anymore) coupled with the many wars and calamities caused by the US administration as well as the tragic consequences of US interference in other countries; (he means tragic in terms of stopping Hitler from killing all the Jews)

Were the American people not God-fearing, truth-loving, and justice-seeking, (yes, we are justice-seeking and there are a lot of shotguns in small-town America just waiting to blow a load of rock-salt into your scrawny heinie) while the US administration actively conceals the truth and impedes any objective portrayal of current realities; (your reality is on par with a Barney video teaching kids how to blow themselves up while chanting "I love you, you love me")

And if we did not share a common responsibility to promote and protect freedom and human dignity and integrity; (your freedom is about blowing people up and stoning women; our freedom is about stopping you, which might mean blowing you up)

Then, there would have been little urgency to have a dialogue with you. (the only dialogue we need to have with you is to determine what color you want your straightjacket to be)

While Divine providence has placed Iran and the United States geographically far apart, we should be cognizant that human values and our common human spirit, (we value humans, and you blow them up - I suppose there is some kind of weird commonality in that) which proclaim the dignity and exalted worth of all human beings, have brought our two great nations of Iran and the United States closer together. (yes, come closer... a little bit closer, and then we'll open up a can of good old southern whupass)

Both our nations are God-fearing, truth-loving and justice-seeking, and both seek dignity, respect and perfection. (you folks see perfection in explosions, kind of like the old Russian anarchists - they're all dead, so maybe you should clue in on that)

Both greatly value and readily embrace the promotion of human ideals such as compassion (Muslims prefer stoning women who have been raped), empathy (...also prefer to kill cartoonists who offend them), respect for the rights of human beings (...slaughter film-makers who offend them), securing justice and equity (...riot like there's no tomorrow if they feel offended), and defending the innocent and the weak against oppressors and bullies. (unless they're infidels, women, children, Jews, white people, short people, fat people, homosexuals, Christians, Americans, Westerners, Republicans, members of the Elks Lodge, trade unionists, folks from Scranton, Pennsylvania, or anyone with two kidneys or not)

We are all inclined towards the good, and towards extending a helping hand to one another, particularly to those in need. (yes, a helping hand holding a knife)

We all deplore injustice, the trampling of peoples' rights and the intimidation and humiliation of human beings. (unless we're talking about infidels, and pretty much everyone is an infidel)

We all detest darkness, deceit, lies and distortion, and seek and admire salvation, enlightenment, sincerity and honesty. (that means he's very fond of the New York Times)

The pure human essence of the two great nations of Iran and the United States testify to the veracity of these statements. (human essence? you mean, we all poop out of our backsides?)

Noble Americans,

Our nation has always extended its hand of friendship to all other nations of the world. (yeah, sure - the fist of friendship, the chattering AK-47 of friendship, the beautiful explosion of C4 friendship)

Hundreds of thousands of my Iranian compatriots are living amongst you in friendship and peace, and are contributing positively to your society (ie., ready to blow themselves up in malls and churches and McDonalds when you say the word). Our people have been in contact with you over the past many years and have maintained these contacts despite the unnecessary restrictions of US authorities. (unnecessary restrictions such as visas and immigration control? oh right, I forgot, you just pay some guy in Mexicali $1000 and he waltzes you across the border)

As mentioned, we have common concerns, face similar challenges, and are pained by the sufferings and afflictions in the world. (you mean, you're pained by the existence of Israel and want to blow them off the map, after which, you'd like to blow everyone else off the map)
We, like you, are aggrieved by the ever-worsening pain and misery of the Palestinian people. (but we don't want them in our country of Iran or any other Muslim country, of course; they can stay and suffer where they are, as they provide great photo-ops for our fellow comrades in CNN and al-Reuters) Persistent aggressions by the Zionists are making life more and more difficult for the rightful owners of the land of Palestine. (it isn't important that the Jewish settlers bought the land from the locals) In broad day-light, in front of cameras and before the eyes of the world, they are bombarding innocent defenseless civilians, bulldozing houses, firing machine guns at students in the streets and alleys, and subjecting their families to endless grief. (of course, we won't mention all the brave suicide bombers blowing up women and children in shopping malls)

The letter continues, but my patience does not. Essentially, Ahmadina-whatever-his-name goes on in further leaps and bounds of textual idiocy to make a compelling and fascinating case for being the world's most profound jackass. He's right up there with several of our best and brightest in Hollywood who, in years past, have dared to open their mouths without the benefit of a scriptwriter. Ahmadina-whatever-his-name, however, clearly takes the loony-cake. Soberingly enough, though, Hitler very well might have been considered a loony on the merits of Mein Kampf before he rose to power. We might be facing a similar man, similar absurdities, and the similar approach of a very wicked day.

Haven't Posted For A While

2006-11-28T13:25:00.000-08:00

Time flies. The turkey is dead, stuffed, baked and gone. And so rolls the wheel of life. I'm starting to think that everyone has an angle. Either get the latest model of Honda, build a better IRA portfolio, or beat the axe by as many months as possible. Even the turkey probably has an angle.

Ex-Guantanamo Prisoners Suing Rumsfeld

2006-11-10T13:16:00.000-08:00

How interesting. At least, interesting in a way similar to how it might be interesting if an over-caffeinated squirrel scampered up and started gnawing on your ankle. Your ankle, not mine.

Rumsfeld is being sued by 11 Iraqis and 1 Saudi in German court for alleged war crime abuses in Guantanamo Bay. What a crock. Being held as a prisoner-of-war is all part of war. What part of "war" don't people understand? War is a brutal, messy, dreadful, but sometimes extremely necessary thing. People get hurt and - yes, don't gasp - killed during war.

Being held as a prisoner-of-war should not equate to being at the Club Med or even being held in a typical American prison (complete with color TV, hot showers, modern exercise equipment, free college education, and extremely well-balanced meals).

Of course, Angela Merkel and most of the German population are disgusted at the charges, but are bound by the inherent liberality of the German judicial system, which basically allows loonies like the 12 in question to prance in and sue away at whoever they please.

The so-called right to press suit against anyone for whatever reason at all has completely gotten out of hand. We have black people wanting white people to pay up due to what other people did over a hundred years ago (and why aren't they heading over to Africa to sue the tribes over there that originally sold their great-great-great-etcs into slavery?). We have people suing McDonalds over too-hot coffee. We have burglars suing the burgled due to overly dangerous house environments (ie., the burglar tripped on Junior's skateboard while burling and broke his leg). We have treehuggers suing loggers on behalf of the spotted owl (who probably doesn't give a &*#$ about the whole thing, but would be happy just to poop on anyone's head). And now we have prisoners-of-war suing those who imprisoned them and neglected to bring them their Kurans with sufficent humility and reverence.

What a crock.

Actress Assaults the Elderly

2006-11-09T21:50:00.000-08:00

Apparently, this is news these days.

Some actress named Denise Richards, who ennobled the world by acting in Starship Troopers as well as Scary Movie 3 (both quality movies and worthy of being written and directed by Shakespeare, no doubt), scuffled with a paparazzi and, in the ensuing fracas, hurled the paparazzi's laptop over a balcony, whereupon the laptop succumbed to gravity and fell upon two elderly women two stories below with great force as if they were mere wheat beneath its sickle.

To make matters worse, one of the elderly women was wheelchair-bound and was thus unable to dive nimbly out of the way when she saw the laptop advancing upon her. Though, to be honest, I doubt whether she saw the laptop advancing upon her as most elderly these days don't spend a lot of time looking to the heavens (unless they're Pentecostals); rather, they spend a great deal of time admiring the flowers around them (if they happen to be strolling or rolling through a garden), or putting on their shoes (which strictly involves looking down), or looking around for their yapping poodle Fritzi (if they own such an abomination).

Now, my first question out of all of this, aside from the rather frightening topic of why this sort of story is news these days, why do we persist in calling such gatherers of non-news "paparazzi?" The word dehumanizes, not unlike the term "tissue blob" dehumanizes the unborn child. When one refers to the poor, defenseless (laptop-less) photographer merely out to make an honest living as "paparazzi," I suppose the next step is to pack them into cattle-cars and truck them off to Poland.

My second and last question prompted by this sordid tale is whether or not beautiful actresses (I'm assuming that Ms. Richards is beautiful as Hollywood tends to ignore those who are not - hence, the flourishing plastic surgery trade in southern California) have a great fear of the elderly. I suppose they see their steadily encroaching doom in the face of every elderly person they meet. Those wrinkles, that grey hair, the colostomy bag all await them, and no amount of time spent sweating in the gym and no amount of money spent on Botox can ever ultimately stem such a fate.

I wonder if Ms. Richards' attack on the poor little paparazzi (perhaps paparazzi aren't even human but are merely a species of small, shy Italian woodland creature?) was merely a pretext to allow her to work her violence on the octogenarians below?

Aliens Could Attack At Any Time!

2006-11-09T21:39:00.000-08:00

No, I did not write that headline merely to sucker the gullible into reading this post.

The concern of imminent space-borne attack actually is that of Nick Pope, the recently resigned head of the UFO Project at Britain's Ministry of Defense.

Pope believes that Britain is being covertly observed by aliens that fly about in, well, flying ships. He's not sure if they have hostile intent, but it would be better to be prepared for the worst rather than expect them to merely land to pass out free doughnuts.

Which is why it's time to dig out your tinfoil hat.

Friends, Enemies, and the Wearing of the Men's Speedo

2006-11-09T21:21:00.000-08:00

I wonder what Al-Qaeda thinks about the current election results? Was Osama bin-Laden and his various turbaned cronies watching the returns on CNN, popcorn and roast goat niblets in hand, rooting for Jim Webb to beat George Allen in Virginia? Did they cheer, fire their AK-47s in the air and shout "Allah Akhbar!" when Ted Kennedy was returned for another six years in the Senate? Did they bow to Mecca and spend a moment in thankful prayer when Tester beat Burns in Montana?

I don't know about the popcorn (as the Kuran is ominously silent on the subject of popcorn), but I rather think the rest might be plausible. The Democrat Party in general (except for Joe Lieberman, and he isn't a Democrat anymore) tends to favor cutting and running as a tactic in military conflicts, taking their foreign policy cues from the boldly Napoleonic strategies of the French (a nation which they admire and emulate in other matters as well, such as the public wearing of the men's speedo). One would conclude, then, that such military maneouvers would fit in well with al-Qaeda's own ideas about what is sensible strategy for their own fighters: a maneouver called Sibbawayh al-Tazallit, which basically involves boldly advancing on retreating enemies, shooting them in the buttocks and then shouting "Allah Akhbar" while dancing with one's camel.

All of which seems to favor the idea that, when it became clear that Nancy Pelosi was the new Speaker of the House, Hizbullah broke out the grape juice in glee, fired a few celebratory rockets into Israel, while singing a traditional Hizbullah melody: "Saddiqaya nur-Banni iyyah yah" (or "Celebrate good times, come on! Let's celebrate! [lyrics attributed by most sane people to a little-know 80s band called Kool and the Gang, though claimed as well by Hizbullah to be written by the Lebanese composer Muqtar al-Fanni]).

Buy Your Woodstove While You Still Can...

2006-11-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

Ah...the inmates are running the asylum now. Barbara Boxer has just been named Chair of the Senate Environmental Public Works Committee. She has declared that one of her main goals will be cutting greenhouse gases, as she is greatly concerned about global warming.

Phooey. Policies generated by lunatic beliefs as shaky as a flamingo with two broken legs?

Next, we're going to see policies generated by a belief in the abominable snowman. Anyone peeing in the snow (ie., the critical habitat of the abominable s.) will be fined $10,000 and given two years in solitary. Affirmative action for tall, hairy people of indeterminate sex who live in the snow (ie., North Dakota, Minnesota or Tibet) and express themselves by grunting and bashing people over the head with icicles. Hate crimes against said hairy, abominable people will be prosecuted vigorously. The word "abominable" will be re-defined to mean "caring, debonair and good at mixing cocktails."

If people are really serious about curbing greenhouse gases, then they should stop eating legumes (that's "beans" to those of you who didn't go to college), cork up their cows (you know what I mean), and lobby against volcanoes (the worst perpetrators of all).

Alright, alright - out of deference to the fact that Senator Boxer is from my state of California, I'll shuffle into line behind her along with all the rest of the sheeple.

Stop Greenhouse Gases! Ban the Bean Burrito!

And buy yourself a woodstove while you can, before they're banned.

How Stupid Are We?

2006-11-07T21:56:00.000-08:00

I guess in terms of politicans and politics, we get what we deserve. That is, we get what we collectively deserve.

We have just achieved our first Muslim Congressman: Keith Ellison from Minneapolis. He has quite a dark past: member of the Nation of Islam, fundraiser for CAIR (and CAIR did fund-raising for his campaign), outspoken anti-Semite, etc. One of the depressing thing about Ellison is that his background was quite public, easily accessible, well-documented on the internet, yet he still got elected.

(As an aside, don't even start your mental gymnastics concerning Islam being a religion of peace and all that codswallop. It ain't. It is what it is. Some things in life are closed-system concepts, such as basic mathematics. 2+2 is always going to equal 4. Gravity always means attracting forces exert between objects. The speed of light stays constant. These are all concepts, factoids, things that are inherently true to what they are, because if they weren't, then they would not exist. They don't change due to public opinion or what's new in popular culture or whether enough botoxed Hollywood stars are whining. It's the same with Islam. It is what it is, and the world-view itself, the concept, the philosophy, the religion as written down at certain times and places in history, codified in the Kuran and it's attendant theological works, is a freakishly evil piece of mind-thrash. So sue me for being a bigoted Westerner. I'm just saying 2+2 is 4.)

Here in lovely enlightened California, we just voted in a whole mess of bonds. Schools, water, parks, dams, levees, etc. Bonds basically mean shoving the future down a bankrupt hole. Hello future - we're gonna hurt you. Do people even know what they're voting for? I guess the average American isn't capable of living within their means, so why should I expect them to think their government should live within its means.

And it looks like Nancy Pelosi is going to be the Speaker of the House...

End times are good times.

The Fountain of Youth Discovered in Kansas Under Old Lady's Bed!

2006-11-06T07:40:00.000-08:00

No, just kidding, though I suppose it might be true. Stranger things have happened.

Actually, I've just posted some songs to my songblog Tunescribble. Nope - they're not political. I'd advise you to drop everything and go listen to 'em. They'll change your life or at least maybe prompt you to have some cereal or something.

Treehugging

2006-11-03T17:05:00.000-08:00

A recent study on Arboreal Pyschology by Herr Professor Doktor Bruno Sprungli of the University of Flarmstadt in Bavaria has brought to light some interesting and hitherto unknown facts. After several years of analyzing the Western Reticulated Maple, the Common British Oak and the Continental Yew (as opposed to the Intercontinental Yew, which is merely a type of Chinese ballistic missile), Professor Sprungli discovered that trees possess certain psychological characteristics that, if viewed in light of the several strands of common DNA that they share with homo sapiens, should have been self-evident. Specifically, they can feel joy, fear, anger and several variations between those three. After several repetitions of unfortunate incidents in the laboratory involving various graduate students and falling branches, Professor Sprungli discovered that trees enjoy dropping heavy objects on people and animals (which was sadly proven one day when Doktor Amalie Meissen-Hittenstrassen's Pekinese wandered into the lab). Furthermore, after the study was joined by several doctoral students from the Environmetal Studies Department of the University of California, Berkley, Professor Sprungli realized that trees hate being hugged. In fact, there is a direct correlation between arboreal hugging and the incident of branches being dropped on heads (usually of those who have previously come into close and prolonged contact with the trees' trunks).

When asked to elaborate on his theory for the Berliner Zeitung, Professor Sprungli remarked, "Ja, if der folksen hiken in den foresten, mussen wearen diese kitchen potten on der head."

I Love John Kerry

2006-11-03T17:03:00.000-08:00

Seriously. As in, I love apple pie, sushi, autumn weather, LOTR and the sound leeks make when sliced.

Chick Pea Chick

2006-10-29T16:36:00.000-08:00

I think one of the next songs I need to write will be titled: Chick Pea Chick. It'll be all about that strange subculture of American women devoted to veganism, aversion to shaving their underams and legs, birkenstocks and religiously voting for liberal causes that they probably have little to no understanding of. Aren't I terrible? Yes. Anyway, it should make for an interesting tune. Should be punk folk, I suppose. Ideally, it should be punk rock, but I don't have the production capabilities to do rock.

I also have a great idea welling up somewhere for a song about Garlic Nan. The chorus would be a sort of droning chant with the following lyrics: Nan nan nan garlic nan nan nan. For the record, I like garlic nan.

No, I'm not crazy.

Summer Is Still Here...

2006-10-28T11:53:00.000-07:00

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Etcetera, sung to the tune of Handel's Messiah.

Off to the beach.

Heh...

2006-10-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

"An election is coming. Universal peace is declared and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry."
T.S. Eliot

Mortgages

2006-10-26T21:51:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the costs incurred by interest in a 30-year mortgage at 10% interest result in the homeowner purchasing the house more than three times over the original price?

That's rather alarming.

Interim Song Blog Site

2006-10-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

I just put up an interim song blog site so I don't go crazy waiting for my real song blog site to get developed (it's in the design stage at the moment).

I'm definitely not putting these songs up to make friends, so feel free to be irritated. The first song is about eminent domain and the greedy land-grabbing excesses of government, as exemplfied in the need to have such ballot measures as the current Proposition 90 in California.

Grape Harvest

2006-10-23T09:42:00.000-07:00

I'm driving down to the southern part of the county today to take pictures of the grape harvest. I never knew it until this year, but the vineyards only harvest in about a 4-week window during the fall. This is their make it or break it time.

Anyway, I need the pictures for a flash project I'm producing for the local agriculture education office. Components of 5th grade science worked into a (hopefully) fun and (hopefully) scintillating flash tutorial. We shall see.

I'll post some pictures of the harvest later on. The vineyards use a very bizarre looking machine to harvest the grapes. Difficult to describe, so I'll leave that effort for the photos.

112 Cars Burnt Each Day...

2006-10-21T14:03:00.000-07:00

112 cars burnt a day.
15 attacks on police and emergency services personnel a day.
Almost 3000 police officers injured.

You'd think those statistics for this year would refer to some place like Iraq or Afghanistan. They actually refer to France. The attacks are perpetrated by Muslim youth.

Some people have been arguing that this violence is caused by the poverty and despair of the Muslim youth in France, that poverty is a prime motivator for social violence, and that the answer to it all is surely more welfare and assistance. That theory doesn't hold water when you consider that the vast, overwhelming majority of the poor in this world do not seek to address their circumstances by engaging in violence. Rather, most violence on a large-scale such as what's happening in France tends to be orchestrated and fomented by ideologically driven agitators. That's pretty evident when you take a quick look at history, regardless of the country.

So, what's happening in France, and whatever happened to that so-called religion of peace we all know and love as Islam? (If you didn't pick up my sarcasm in the last sentence - yeah - I was being sarcastic.)

Quiet Lives or Something Else?

2006-10-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

There's a passage in the New Testament advising that we should lead quiet, peaceable lives. Some days I'm all for that; other days, though, I just wanna find a bullhorn loud enough to reach the whole world (or at least California) and do some hollering.

What does leading a quiet life mean? Does it mean you stay out of politics, that you don't make waves, that you don't do anything that shakes up the status quo? Does it mean you don't challenge people in how you live and what you say?

I really don't buy that. There must be a semantic issue here - some sort of definition or word that means something entirely different in our context versus the context of the ancient culture from where that thought originated.

I suppose a contented little fellow in the middle of Nebraska could one day write an essay on Balkan politics that could, theoretically, shake up the face of US foreign policy. Or he could wake up one night with a brand new theory of economics that alter banking and lending as we know it. That certainly wouldn't be a quiet life, yet he'd be leading a quiet life.

Eh. Whatever. Where's that bullhorn?

I Can't Spell "Bougainvillea"

2006-10-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how to spell that word. I might have gotten it right, but I have a suspicion that I didn't. I suppose I could go look it up on Dictionary.com, but I'm not going to. Sometimes, you just have to let a few things slide, like not picking up every single toy and tupperware item strewn around the house by our rampaging 11-month-old.

But I did plant one of those plants yesterday at the back of the house. It has a sort of orangey-peach colored blossom and the hope is that it will climb the side of the house and turn it into a painting.

Besides, Winston Churchill once remarked that only very boring people spell a word just one way. I suspect he's mostly wrong on that, but only just mostly.

Speaking of Churchill (apologies for digressing so much), he was once at a dinner party and found himself seated next to a duchess that he despised. Apparently, the feeling was mutual because they ignored each other all through the evening. Finally, the duchess turned to him and said, "Winston, if I was your wife, I would poison you!" He replied, "Madame, if I was your husband, I would gladly take the poison!"

Global Warming - Yes? No? Yes? No!?

2006-10-16T16:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there's a piece on DrudgeReport today that says the average temperatures during September 2006 are 0.7 degrees cooler than the 20th century average. And, of course, we have snow turning the Northeast into an outdoor icebox.

On the other hand, we have Al Gore yodelling in the wings that the world is about to burn up like a magnesium flare.

One of the unsettling things about the global warming debate is the potential effect on third world countries and the poor if the United States goes through with anti-global warming initiatives such as capping emissions, altering refrigerant technologies, etc. Basically, the poor get it in the neck. Third world economies wouldn't be able to keep up with those sorts of technological shifts. They wouldn't be able to afford the new imports. That would affect such things as refrigeration in any number of African countries, which would in turn repercuss on health issues.

It's interesting how liberal thought affects the poor. Case in point above: the politics of global warming. Another case in point is the liberal push against genetically modifed crops such as corn and wheat. Those crops can be modified to become drought-resistant (ie., grow 'em in the Sahara), contain higher nutrient levels, etc., yet, the rich liberal environmentalists around these parts says, "Heavens above - no! We must have pure crops!" That view modifies policy in Washington DC, which in turn means the guy growing stuff on the edge of the Sahara doesn't get a better shot at life for his family and his community.

It'd be interesting to analyze classic liberal thought and see how it affects day to day life of a typical communitiy out in Cameroon, or some other place like that.

Yeah, I've got it in for liberals today. Dunno why - I just feel ornery.

The Second After Death

2006-10-14T10:20:00.001-07:00

My wife and I were talking about death last night. I can't remember how the conversation started, but it proceeded toward what I think is an interesting idea. If you die, do you immediately "wake up" in the hereafter? In my way of thinking, that would be heaven, of course. If you do, then that means that all the people that you left behind - your spouse, your children, your brothers and sisters - will be standing right there when you open your eyes, regardless of them having lived on for years on Earth after your death. Almost as if you never left them, stepped out of the room for a second and then walked back in.

Besides being with God, that's a very comforting thought.

Back From Vacation

2006-10-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

Bummer...

Columbia's Recent "Protest"

2006-10-06T07:14:00.000-07:00

I guess there are protests and then there are protests. In one, you respect the rights of those that you disagree with. In the other, you behave like an immature, oafish weenie.

The recent protest at Columbia in NYC falls into the second category. Jim Gilchrist, the founder of the Minutemen, was invited to speak on campus by the college Republican party. While he was at the podium, students rushed the stage, kicked and threw punches at him, and shut down his speech by their general hooliganism.

It doesn't matter if you disagree with Gilchrist's philosophy, that kind of reaction is wrong. An essential part of democracy is freedom of speech, and our democracy allows many ways to disagree with the results of freedom of speech in order to leaven that particular freedom.

Behaving like immature, oafish weenies (that subsequently shouldn't be qualified to scoop up duck poop once they graduate with their worthless Columbia degrees) is not one of those ways.

If you're interested in watching video of the event, here it is.

Hastert Should Resign...They Should All Resign

2006-10-06T06:35:00.000-07:00

I think we have two parties in Congress: the Dumb Party and the Stupid Party. The recent behavior of Rep Foley is sickening and intensely disturbing, but what's new in terms of stupid, idiotic behavior?

A great deal of those Representatives and Senators consistently behave in stupid and idiotic ways. Case in point, they spend other people's money like there's no tomorrow, like rabid ladies out on shopping sprees, clutching their fistfuls of credit cards in their sweaty hands.

My wife and I are attending a Crown Ministries Bible Study, which is all about financial stewardship. One of the basic ideas in the course is that how you relate to and deal with money indicates a lot about you and your relationship with God (or lack thereof). If you can't spend ten bucks wisely (or not spend it), then you have some serious issues. We're talking ten bucks, not ten billion.

As I said, the Dumb Party and the Stupid Party...

The Kids From Brazil

2006-10-06T06:21:00.000-07:00

My brother and his family are up visiting from the Amazon. He works down there as a bush-pilot. Floatplane. His children, who range in age from three to thirteen, are equally comfortable in the jungle as they are in plain old California. Very interesting kids. Very interesting perspective on life.

I think more Americans should go live in third-world countries for a spell. It would make us all more grateful for the cereal aisle in our grocery stores.

Songs, Blogs...a SongBlog!

2006-09-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

It's time to turn over a new leaf, find a new frog, buy a better brand of Braunschweiger, whatever. Therefore, in that spirit, I think I'm going to start a SongBlog. I can write songs at the drop of a hat (why a hat?). Not that they're necessarily listenable, but they still qualify as a sort of music. Write a song, post it, move on to the next one. Heck. There are so many issues and ideas out there that I don't suppose I'll ever run out of topics.

Government finances, Hollywood, Islam, environmentalism, farming, trade and tariffs, taxes, cosmetics made from rendered fetuses, the Crimean War, Spam (and spam), home-cooked food, USA/Mexico border issues, transfats, Whole Foods and their wildly over-priced whatnots, academia, religion...oh, and did I say environmentalism?

Joy...

Gross Polluter

2006-09-27T17:56:00.000-07:00

...and now my poor old Volvo has just qualified as a "gross polluter." Yep. Didn't pass the smog test. They're coming to arrest me tomorrow, no doubt.

57$...No, 68$

2006-09-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

Aargh. I just noticed that I'm late in getting my car smogged. Now I'll have to pay 68$ instead of 57$.

California gets you coming and going with taxes. I think we're in the top 5 states for highest taxes.

Taxation is a rum issue. The Bible says that you must pay your taxes. Period. Okay. I guess that's non-negotiable. But what do you when you're paying into a system of fraudulent waste, ridiculous expenditures and plain old evil projects (I regard the government funding abortion here and abroad as evil, and I also believe that much of the welfare system is essentially evil - so sue me)?

System change. That's what we need.

Sundays In Monterey

2006-09-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

After church, we packed up the kid and headed to the beach in Monterey. It was a first for him and he seemed rather impressed with the waves, though not intimidated (which is a good sign, as his mom is determined to turn him into a world-class sailor).

I must say, living in California has its downsides in terms of cost of living, but having the beach nearby is wonderful.

We strolled on over to Jamba Juice later in the afternoon for one of our few chain-store vices. While sitting and sipping outside, my wife uttered what had to be the oddest metaphor of the day: "Would you look at those tight-jeans - her legs look like sausages forced into intestinal casings."

I really didn't have a response.

Autumn And All Of Its Attendants

2006-09-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

Despite the lovely weather, autumn has arrived. There's a certain chill in the morning air that was not there before. In my parent's garden, the walnuts are pattering down in vast quantities. On our farm, the pumpkins have matured and are lying about in orange resplendence. Shorter days and lengthening nights. The hills here are burnt brown and holding their breath for the rain. The tractors, though, are working seven days a week and at night in order to work the ground up before that rain. We run Caterpillar Challengers, and they look like yellow dinosaurs, lumbering about the fields with the dust blowing around them.

We really don't have much of seasons here in California, but I do appreciate the hints and pieces that appear.

KookyChow

2006-09-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

When I worked at VeggieTales, way back in the old days, I had a good friend there in the 3-D department by the name of Bryan. He was (and is) a very interesting fellow who typically came to work in his pajamas and beard. He's now an art professor at a college in the midwest.

Of more specific interest, though, is the fact that he maintains a site on odd edibles called KookyChow. If you're extremely lax on time, you might want to visit it.

The Interesting Case of the Aussies

2006-09-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

I find myself becoming more and more interested in Australia as a culture these days. They are refreshingly outspoken and candid in their views, whether it be a government minister or a Catholic prelate or the average man on the street. At least, that's the quality that comes out in press stories these days.
When you think of that quality in light of how Australia has gone off to war several times now on behalf of other countries (the World Wars, Iraq, Afghanistan), there's a pleasing sense of aptness there. Candidness and sturdy duty: they fit well together.

I once spent about ten days down in eastern Australia, working on a BBC documentary (actually, two documentaries: one about asthma and one about a rather famous and retired BBC personality named Peter France). Australia struck me as a more laid-back and friendly version of my home state California.

Perhaps I'm reading the whole thing wrong, but there really is something impressive about the Aussies. Particularly when you realize the culture has such shabby roots in terms of being a veritable prison colony.

If anyone can recommend a book on Aussies that explains them, let me know.

Pointless Family Photo of the Year

2006-09-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay - I know I am being a cretin in terms of cultural awareness, tolerance, diversity, sensitivity, lovingkindness and all of that. But...I just can't help myself with this one!

And, yeah, the image looks photoshopped.

Seriously, though, I realize that there are all levels of modesty within different societies. Pacific Islanders have one idea that they subscribe to, Eskimos have another, and my mother has a third. However, I would argue that the enforced modesty of Islam has less to do with actual issues of modesty than it does with issues of female subjugation and the idea that women are property.

I need to pipe down about Islam for a while. There are other topics, aren't there? Ravioli, organic farming, the environmentalists around here who are driving us farmers crazy, pharmaceutical plots to rule the world, Hollywood (I'm really tempted to start posting trailer reviews), God, and, of course, any fine book that wanders past my eye.

Ah, books. People should read more, spend more time on their porches (where have all the porches gone?), raise tomatoes in their gardens, and, (well, you fill in the blank)______________.

Jasmine for the Wall

2006-09-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

Bought a small, potted jasmine for the south wall of the garden. My wife had been hankering after such a plant, and I figured that $4.86 was not too high a price to pay to make her smile.
Jasmine climb. White flowers in the summer. Rather nice fragrance, though we'll have to wait a good year enough for that.
I do hope the Islamists behave themselves long enough for us to enjoy our new jasmine.

Outcroppings of Fiction

2006-09-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

Interesting story in the Wall Street Journal about the fact that many unknown writers are achieving followings by writing stories that jump off pre-existing books. Case in point, there's a lady that is writing stories about Harry Potter's grandparents.
Hmm. I wonder if I should do something similar to jump-start my non-career as a novelist? Perhaps I should write a tale about Sidney Carton's grandmother? A Tale of Two Teacups. Or maybe a short story about the Grinch's uncle Feester? The Feester Who Keistered Easter.
Or maybe not.

Is Hollywood Insane?

2006-09-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

Browsing through the trailers of upcoming movies at Apple.com is instructive in a disheartening sort of way. The vast majority of the movies seem to be about: dysfunctional families, psychos, traitorous policemen, murder, infidelity and just seriously screwed-up people making stupid, depressing choices with their lives. Who wants to see films about such things?

Whatever happened to the studios that made such films as Bringing Up Baby, That Darn Cat and Where Eagles Dare?
I wish someone would lock all the studio heads into a room with a bunch of Ritalin-deprived chimps with endless supplies of rotten tomatoes to hurl (the chimps would do the hurling, not the studio heads; the studio heads would run about and whimper like mewling infants).

425 Pages And Counting

2006-09-18T12:27:00.000-07:00

I'm now officially 425 pages into my book. Why do I keep writing the thing? That makes more than 1300 pages total across the trilogy. The odds against publishing are astronomical.

Still, you have to try things in life. Attempt a few wild dreams, otherwise, you'll live haunted by regret, and that just won't do.

Does anyone out there know a good literary agent?

Pope Backing Down

2006-09-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

Darn. Now the Pope is backing down and saying that his earlier, rather pertinent and to the point quote about Islam does not reflect his views in any way.

Rubbish.

Go read the damn Kuran and the Hadiths. They're brutally to the point, as in the point of a sword. Convert the heathen by violence if necessary. Make all others pay subjugation tax (dhimmitude). All the world must be converted to worship of Allah.

Islam is a culture of violence and degradation. It isn't just a religion; it cannot be dichotomized from culture or politics. It IS politics, culture and religion all wrapped up into one.

May porridge be upon Muhammed's wicked head (or PBUHH, as the Islamists always seem to be writing).

Thanks, Misha...

2006-09-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to Misha over at Wallpaper for linking me while she's off on vacation (secretly running guns for the CIA?). She's puzzlingly liberal, but married to an old friend of mine, so I'll give her grace. Besides, I'm sure the stars will align someday and she will see the glorious light of Ronald Reagan.

It Takes A Village Witch Doctor

2006-09-16T10:02:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, not long ago, a public figure wrote a book called "It Takes A Village." The book took its inspiration from the wisdom of African culture, where it is customary (usually, I suppose) for entire villages to take interest in the raising of the village children.

That's all well and good, but first of all - since when has African culture proven a guiding light in terms of social ethics and customs? I'm sorry, but female genital mutilation, cannibalism, high infant mortality rates, demon worship and rampant genocide don't give me much confidence in terms of overall societal health.

If you want it straight, it takes a family to raise a child. One dad, one mom and one eye on God.

Perhaps what that public figure really meant was, "It Takes A Village Witch Doctor." That seems more in line with liberal multi-cultural thought these days.

Yet Another Tale For Our Times: Frank the Frankfurter

2006-09-15T16:48:00.000-07:00

Yet another tale from the lost anthology of Harvard stories from the 70s, lost during a LSD experiment that went out of control.

Frank the Frankfurter

Once upon a time there lived a young man named Frank. Frank had a nice tan, even though he had never been to the beach or visited one of those tanning salons frequented by hairy-chested men and bleached blonde women. Frank was of slim build and didn't seem to have any arms, but this did not stop him from holding down an excellent government job. At his job, Frank sat at a desk and pushed papers around and occasionally answered the phone in order to inform people that their Schedule Y33 was either improperly filled out or was sadly out of date. On certain days, he sent out threatening notices to people who lived in Wisconsin.

One day, while eating a raisin Danish during his break in the cafeteria, a fellow named Dan who had just gotten new glasses looked at him and said, "Hey, Frank's a frankfurter! A really big frankfurter!" Someone else found some good quality stone-ground mustard and then they sat around and ate Frank.

The moral of this story is that you simply cannot trust the government, even if you work for them.

Thought-Provoking Book: Medved's Auto-Biography

2006-09-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

Right Turns. Michael Medved's auto-biography.

Very thought-provoking. He grew up in a classic liberal Jewish family, thinking and believing all the classic left-wing thoughts. And then slowly began changing during college and during his involvement in several Democratic campaigns.

You don't have to subscribe to conservative philosophy to garner from books like this. Medved's a class act. Well worth reading, so turn off that damn TV and read it.

Well, at least read something.

Summer Is Ending & My Peanut Butter Cups Are Gone

2006-09-15T16:25:00.000-07:00

Summer has almost come to an end. The wind carries a slight chill on its breath. The tomato crop is at its splendid height of delicious heirlooms of all colors and sizes.

Sadly, though, I have eaten all the peanut butter cups that my mother-in-law bought me at Trader Joe's.

All things must come to an end.

Plain-Spoken Popes

2006-09-15T15:57:00.000-07:00

What else should Popes be but plain-spoken? I'm glad that our newest Pope isn't averse to putting his foot in his mouth these days in terms of political correctness. His quote is correct in my book: Islam has brought nothing but misery to this world. Who's going to vote for a religion that treats women as possessions, and Jews and Christians as people to be either subjugated or killed?

I'm sorry, but anyone who believes Islam is a religion of peace is either stupid, delusional or just doesn't know a thing about Islam. I've been reading some histories recently about Islam and Muhammed (may porridge be upon his head). None of it's pretty. To be blunt, he was a class-A psycho with a penchant for power. He made up his revelations to fit whatever circumstance he found himself in. Anyone with an ounce of sense reading the Kuran can see that.

One of the very interesting concepts in the Kuran is that of the House of War and the House of Peace. Basically, if you adhere to Islam, you belong to the House of Peace (peace is essentially equated with obedience to Allah). If you don't adhere to Islam, then you belong to the House of War and are therefore open game for Islamics to wage jihad upon you until you either convert or pay the dhimmi tax of subjugation. That concept of two Houses is a permanent dynamic in Islam. No way of getting around it.

The other interesting concept in the Kuran is that believers are allowed to knuckle under to the laws and customs of a country they find themselves in if they are in the minority. Therefore, they can bide their time until they build up sufficient power to change that society into one that bows to Islam. Interesting. We're definitely seeing that going on in Europe these days.

Anyway. Let's hear it for plain-spoke Popes. Nice hat, sir.

CBS Nightly News and Spinach

2006-09-15T15:27:00.000-07:00

A CBS camera crew is right now setting up on our ranch and preparing to shoot a live segment for tonight's nightly news with Ms. Couric. Wonderful. Spinach and E Coli are obviously the topic.

I hope no one else gets sick, and I hope the fallout doesn't put some farmers out of business.

I can't stand TV. That's a bit of a non sequiter, but I can't help saying it.

Back Out Of The Hospital

2006-09-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I just got out of the hospital for the third time this year. I must say that I'm extremely grateful for hospitals, but I cannot stand them at the same time. Who loves being in a hospital?

We probably have one of the best health care systems in the world (and, no, let's not get into an argument about the economics of that system, which is a slightly different issue). I'm deliriously grateful for it, as it's saved my life three times this year (this is the Chinese Year of the Doctor for me).

Still, I cannot stand hospitals. They're so bureaucraticized, sterile, noisy, impersonal and invasive ("here, put on this gown that will be constantly revealing your buttocks to all").

But, I'm grateful. I'm grateful...

Home Defense

2006-09-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

A boating flare gun that shoots shotgun shell flares. Very effective. Basically, if you got shot with one of these it'd be like getting hit with napalm.

Television Replacements

2006-08-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

Our infant has grown to the age where he regards the washing machine with great interest. It's one of those glass-fronted machines, and he sits in front of it with contentment. Obviously, it's the equivalent of television for him, and that's all he's going to get. The washing machine is much cleaner, of course, and it doesn't seem to be affecting his attention span.

Though, we don't let him watch it when lingerie is being washed. You have to draw the line somewhere.

Movie Plots

2006-08-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

Here's a movie summary from a trailer that has just posted on Apple.com:

In Lucky You, a professional poker player (Eric Bana) gets a lesson in life from a struggling singer (Drew Barrymore) as he collides with his estranged father (Robert Duvall) at the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas.

That sounds about as stupid as a head of cauliflower. Who exactly is thinking up these stories? No wonder most people think Hollywood is worthless these days.

Let's see...might as well make up our own movie summary by swapping nouns, verbs and adjectives.

In Unlucky You, a professional plumber (Eric Bana) gets a load of lard from a wriggling pig-impersonator (Drew Barrymore) as he performs a series of illegal reverse-liposuction with a disbarred doctor (Robert Duvall) at the World Convention of Gaunt People in Des Moines, Iowa.

Yuck. They both sound terrible.

Taxation without Representation

2006-08-17T14:35:00.000-07:00

We need another Boston Tea Party.

Suspicious Liquids

2006-08-17T14:25:00.000-07:00

Look, if the airport police and the airport dogs are getting nervous, don't carry suspicious liquids with you onboard.

Valentine's Day is Coming

2006-08-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

Ah, Valentine's Day. Celebrating the brutal martyrdom of Saint Valentine by foisting roses, chocolates and expensive greeting cards on various folks.

You may celebrate yours by purchasing exotic t-shirts from the beautiful and talented demi-gods at Pantelope. Visit Pantelope.com now. Don't delay. Run, don't walk. Drop all else.

Time is Money is Time is Life

2006-08-17T13:14:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been thinking about the idea that our money just isn't time - it's a portion of our life. When I go into the store and buy a bottle of tonic water, I'm not just giving the clerk $1.97, I'm handing over the portion of my life that it took to earn that $1.97.

True, I might aquire other things than money during the time that it took me to earn the $1.97, such as experience, a tan, more muscles, whatever.

However, I truly am trading a portion of my life for what I buy.

I wonder if we could move to a currency system where we can simply trade portions of our future instead of portions of our past (which is basically what most money is)? Of course, the complication in that is that we would then be forced to either die prematurely in order to pay-up, or become someone's slave for the last part of our life.

Once Upon A Time...

2006-08-15T18:03:00.000-07:00

Here's a story I just stumbled across in a Harvard anthology of modern children's tales. The brevity and beauty of it struck me. Enjoy (it).

-----

Once upon a time, a gnome named Fred lived in the woods. He made a living as an assassin, working for hire for various governments, corporate entities, and the occasional tempermental wife. He was an assassin with ethics, though, and never took contracts against children or Republican women. He lived to a ripe old age and then retired when he was 65 to the French Riviera, as he had wisely invested his money in good mutual funds. He bought a small house in view of the sea and spent his days pottering about in the garden, cooking extravagant dinners for his friends, and sailing his Columbia 42.

The End

The Hinge Factor

2006-08-15T17:52:00.000-07:00

Reading an interesting book called The Hinge Factor. Each chapter is about an important battle in world history that, apparently, turned on a very small detail. For want of a nail, for want of a horseshoe, for want of a horse. That sort of thing.

I wonder what kinds of hinge factors exist, and will exist, in our lives?

Enter the Cat as Sidney Carton

2006-08-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

Today, I attended a hearing by the State Water Quality Control Board concerning potential changes to how the State monitors and regulates run-off. Specifically, run-off that makes it into the ocean. The bottom line is: they don't want any run-off, including storm events (ie., rain).

One of the interesting things is that cat feces apparently contains a bacteria that can kill otters. The environmental community is very put out by this, as they love otters. The route that they and the State are pursuing to save the cute little otters is to stop run-off from urban areas by the ocean, reasoning correctly that such run-off is chock-full of the fecal material of Mr. and Mrs. Jones' pet tabby Matilda.

Another option that no one has discussed is just to kill all the cats. Let them be the sacrifice as Sidney Carton was in Tale of Two Cities. The only difference, of course, is that Carton had a choice in the matter and had a great ending monologue.

Information

2006-08-15T17:43:00.000-07:00

If you control a person's information, then you control that person.

False Advertisement

2006-08-14T20:29:00.000-07:00

I was driving home from the grocery store tonight when I noticed the marquee sign outside of the local deli-winery. It read: BELINDA CARLUCCI, TASTING THURSDAY. Now, you and I both know that that simply refers to a make of wine. My concern with it is: what would a visiting delegation of cannibals from Zaire make of it?

Down with Raggedy Andy

2006-08-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid that Raggedy Andy is not an appropriate sort of toy for infants. This is not due to gender issues of male infants having their masculinity threatened by playing with dolls (boys will always figure out how to dismember, decapitate, destroy, etc., whatever it is that they are playing with - yet another proof that there is a difference). Rather, the problem is the darn yarn hair. They bite it off, choke on it, and then vomit out their morning bottle onto your jeans.

Intimidating Wives

2006-08-07T18:49:00.000-07:00

I've just realized I have an intimidating wife. Intimidating to me, that is. I realize this from time to time, depending on what's going on. It might be due to a fractious baby bent on world domination that I'm incapable of subduing, or it might be due to the fact that she's just taken our boat out into 25 knot winds (about 30 mph) with 8 to 10 foot waves.

Myspace.com and Marketing

2006-07-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

Is marketing on myspace equivalent to telemarketing in terms of the vast majority of people greeting your pitch with a certain lack of enthusiasm? If so, then it simply turns into a numbers game: a small percentage will respond favorably.

Hmm. Interesting...

The Use of Words

2006-07-28T13:01:00.000-07:00

I recently read a brand-new thriller titled Relentless. It was difficult to finish the book, not due to a poor plot, as the plot was not that bad, but simply due to the inept use of words.

Obviously, the author has a healthy imagination, as demonstrated by the plot. However, when it came to putting his thoughts into sentences, strings of words, phrases, bits of dialogue, he fell flat on his face. He used words in ways that made me think: perhaps he doesn't know exactly what that word means. Maybe he's guessing at how it can be used. Or, worse, perhaps he doesn't really care about how it should be used. Even worse, his editors obviously don't care either.

To put it into metaphor, his writing is like an impressionistic painting - gauzy, slightly out of focus, blurred in spots so that lines and the edges of things aren't defined.

The scary thing is that this sort of writing is common today. It's as if people don't really understand the words and grammar that they use. I suppose relativism and entropy have had their way.

One of the worst offenders these days is simply how young people talk (I shudder to think of seeing their writing). As far as I can tell, they possess vocabularies of about two hundred words, and their grip on these two hundred is shaky at best.

"What up, yo?"

Infants, Gas and OPEC

2006-07-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that infants (represented by our infant in specific) generate a lot of personal gas. This makes me wonder if such fuel, motivated by any infant's desire to motor across the floor at a time in their life when they obviously cannot, could be somehow used to power a sort of floor-cart. One could strap the infant in and leave him to his devices so that, when the fuel would kick in, he could motor about the living room, bouncing off walls and furniture.

Of course, this line of thinking brings to mind the memory of a little dog that I once had the misfortune to dog-sit while a poor college student (I was the student, not the dog). The little dog produced tremendous amounts of natural gas and, having rather stubby, irrelevant legs, probably would have enjoyed sitting in the floor cart. In fact, that little dog (who I loathed for its habit of "skating" across carpets, which it did by sitting down on its messy rear-end and then pulling itself around by its forepaws) produced enough gas to have warranted a lifetime membership in OPEC.

The Peculiar Mix of Things

2006-07-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

I just washed my car, a 1990 Volvo station wagon. Hizbullah just hit a Israeli navy ship with a missile, killing four sailors. We went to a garage sale this morning, where my wife bought an old letter organizer, decorated with painted roosters, for three dollars. The majority of our newspapers refuse to report stories on how many schools, wells, power stations, hospitals and other irrelevancies our military have built, and are building, in Iraq. Britney Spears just declared in a press release that she is going to get serious about getting back into shape after she has her second baby. Tiberias, a town in Israel twenty-two miles south of the Lebanese border, just got hit by rockets, the first time it's been attacked since the 1973 war. I had a piece of cold pizza for breakfast this morning. We have over 11 million illegal immigrants in our country, obviously the best and brightest and most law-abiding citizens of Mexico. Regular gasoline is about $3.30 a gallon here in central coast California, which makes it a lot cheaper than Starbucks coffee or bottled water. Iran is fighting a proxy engagement with Israel via Hizbullah. I planted hollyhocks in the garden and they are doing well. A majority of new marriages in our country these days end in divorce. The corn at our farm is ready for harvest and, by the end of the month, the heirloom tomatoes will be as well.

The Rhythm of Our Lives

2006-07-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

I think, at the end, we'll find that the rhythm of our lives, however disparate they seemed during the perspective of our short days, will fit neatly into one of two songs. One song unbearably beautiful and the other song unbearably hideous.

A Second Poorly Written Poem on Taxes

2006-07-11T20:51:00.000-07:00

That dang Republican guy up in Alaska,
without even a polite, "lemme ask ya,"
ran off with my money clutched in his hand
to build himself a bridge to nowhere-land.

Driving Past Fields

2006-07-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm currently working on an interactive project for an educational foundation. It involves a lot of flash and art concerning farming and science. Anyway, I drove down to south county yesterday with the fellow who's doing the art for the project. We had to take some photos at a vineyard. The fields stretch forever on either side of the road, miles and miles of lettuce, cauliflower, celery, artichokes, ragged rows of wine-grape vines hiding the promise that will be harvested in September. Every shade of green imaginable, with the hills beyond blasted into gold by the summer sun.

As you drive, the rows flash by like long, impossibly straight legs running.

Breadwig

2006-07-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

My friend Brian has started a blog
full of strange art and the occasional dog.
So gird your loins and click on through;
if you shout "Gah!" you can always sue.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics

2006-07-08T15:55:00.000-07:00

Entropy, the second law of thermodynamics, basically says that any given state, when experiencing time, will end up in a less organized state. Therefore, your kid's room might start out neat in the morning but will be a mess by dinnertime.

The law of entropy was devised to describe physical functions in the natural world. However, it seems to apply just as well to societies, cultures, and cultural things such as languages or customs. For example, the generally self-policed society of the 1800s in America, where men ran the risk of serious bodily harm if they were rude to a woman in public, has slowly decayed to the America of the 00s, where a typical song on the radio refers to women as bitches and whores.

Entropy is an interesting concept, particularly as it seems inexorable and allows one to have fun theorizing how trends will progress (downwards, of course) in society. I've always wondered two things about entropy, however: does it apply to time, and does it apply to light? If it applies to one, then it must by default apply to the other, for light is irrevocably tied to time and vice versa. The difficult thing in imagining the effect of entropy on light (or time) is that, if it occurred, the slow-down would slow us down as well, I suppose, so how could we notice what was happening? The only way to do that would be to get outside our system, so that we would be free of the effects of entropy, time and light, and then look back within - ie., get outside of creation.

I suppose only God can notice the effect of entropy on light and time. How frustrating. He gets all the perks.

The Guy Next Door

2006-07-07T16:31:00.000-07:00

The guy next door has got the bomb.
It was a present from his mom.
What's up with parenting these days?
I guess explosions are quite the craze.

Can You Tell How Long...?

2006-07-07T15:57:00.000-07:00

Can you tell how long a book is going to be while you write it? Can you tell how long a life is going to be while you live it?

No.

I just found out that Jeffrey Deaver (The Bones Collector, etc) lives here half the year in Pacific Grove (other half in NYC). He writes an average of one book (best-seller, invariably) a year. Good, thickish books that are sizeable enough to be used as doorstops or bludgeon-type weapons. How on earth does he do it?

Louis L'Amour usually wrote his books in about 3 months apiece. Issues of templates aside, how did he do that?? A book in 3 months is a tremendous rate.

I need to finish this book I'm writing, or it shall finish me.

A Poorly Written Poem On Paying Taxes

2006-07-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

A third of my year goes for tax
to those pork-rustling DC hacks.
Thievery most days makes me see red.
What was that that Patrick Henry said?

The Important Thing

2006-07-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

The important thing is to get past yesterday if it's already gone.

At least, that's one of about a million important things.

Another important thing is to wear a belt. Otherwise, there's no telling when you'll find yourself needing a belt to loop around something while you're dangling from a skyscraper or a crane or some kind of futuristic flying machine being piloted by an evil genius. Also, the belt will keep your pants up.

My Wife

2006-07-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

My wife is cooler than your wife.

Are You A Cheese-Nibbling Insomniac?

2006-07-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

If you are, I really don't know what to say, other than the fact that you can get great cheese at Costco for great prices.

You might try some Danish Havarti, as that has a nice, mellow flavor somewhat reminiscent of carraway seeds infused with the contented lowing of cows as if heard from far across a Danish meadow through which a young Ingrid Bergman is running in slow motion (black and white).

Or, if you have the spine for it, you might try a nice, sharp We're All Danes Now t-shirt, aged for a hundred days in an oak casket. It goes well with venison, steak and liberty.

The First of a Million Fourths

2006-07-04T15:27:00.000-07:00

Another 4th of July is here to stay for a while and then be gone again for 364 days. May it be the first of a million more 4ths for this country, though may they all contain the liberty that started back in 1776. I think this country, for the most part, takes that too lightly or has completely lost sight of what that means.

Liberty doesn't mean the freedom to go out and behave like a jackass, thought it certainly allows you to do that. Liberty doesn't mean the freedom to live irresponsibly without disregard for your neighbor, your community and your country, though it certainly allows you to do that. Liberty doesn't mean the freedom to place yourself above all else, though it certainly allows you to do that.

Live free or die. I wonder how we'll choose if faced with that choice?

And The Winner Is...The New York Times!

2006-06-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

The annual search for the sleaziest, slimiest newspaper that ever smeared its way out of the swamp is over, and the winner is...the New York Times!

Let's hear it for the New York Times, aiding and abetting terrorists world-wide with its treasonous behavior! A round of applause for Editor Bill Keller and his minions of twisted sub-gnomes! A round of drinks on the house in honor of the New York Times, endangering our soldiers around the world!

But seriously, is someone going to toss these psychotic jokers in jail for their most recent display of treason? Disclosing information about the SWIFT program is equivalent to publishing the landing times of Eisenhower's armada previous to D-Day.

I Wonder Who Invented The Doughnut?

2006-06-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

I wonder who invented the doughnut? Who was it that was so divinely inspired to take a blob of dough and drop it in a sizzling pan of grease? Hopefully, for their sake, that inspiration was complete and compelled them to then roll the golden result in sugar or drizzle it with honey.

Or, likewise, who was the saint who invented the rouladen? My experience with rouladen might be incomplete, of course, but my German grandfather used to make it for us on rare occasions. A slice of bacon and a slice of pickle rolled around a thin spear of beef, all baked up in a rich, brown sauce.

To heck with all of you diet-conscious, health-drink swilling velour wearers.

The System Is Broken

2006-06-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

The system is broken.

Congress can't balance the budget. Spending is out of control. Millions of tax-payer dollars are spent on ridiculous projects such as bridges to nowhere, fixing railroads that don't need to be fixed, museums dedicated to inconsequentialities - the list is near endless.

Our government cannot maintain our borders. A secure border is one of the things that defines a country, along with its history, its culture, and its policies. How can a society expect to maintain order if its police and courts only enforce certain laws and not others?

Our schools no longer educate our children. Children graduating from high school these days can hardly reason or write coherently. They know more about diversity and multi-cultural issues than they do about such matters as geography, mathematics and literature. Our schools are grooming our children into irrelevancy and dependency.

Our judiciary is now ruling the country via the courts. Time and time again, the people will vote a law into existence, only to have the courts strike it down. What's the purpose of voting if one's vote is irrelevant? We have become an oligarchy, as we are ruled by a few in the courts, rather than a democracy.

The system is broken. Perhaps its time to leave the system, to deny it, so that room is made for something new to rise up (a multi-party system).

I wonder what would happen if, for instance, everyone pulled their children out of the public school system? Or, I wonder what would happen if everyone started sending their junkmail to various government bureaucracies - millions and millions of pieces of mail - a real world equivalent to a denial of service.

The Development of Communities Is Centered Around What?

2006-06-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

It seems these days that the development of communities is primarily centered around environmental concerns.

Ah, priorities. They're always religious, aren't they, one way or the other? The fellow rushing home to his big-screen TV to watch Monday night football. The fellow rushing off to church, speeding to get there in time. The New York Times dedicated to all the facts except the truth. The planner making sure that all the habitats are protected, all the salmon inviolate, all the frogs safely tucked in bed, before a single house is approved.

Sigh...More Tresspassers

2006-06-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

I kicked out some more tresspassers yesterday. A family of four picking strawberries about two hundreds yards deep into the ranch. I hadn't the heart to confiscate their loot, but they had already picked a good several pounds by the time I walked up.

Sigh.

Itemized Hospital Bills

2006-06-19T18:37:00.000-07:00

I just received an itemized hospital bill pertaining to my son's delivery last year. It is truly amazing. A work of art. Single pills that cost hundreds of dollars. Drops of liquid that cost even more. Astounding.

Planting a Garden is for the Hopeful

2006-06-16T15:19:00.000-07:00

Planting a garden means you have hope in something. You have hope that the seeds and the seedlings will grow. You have hope that the gophers won't come pillaging and marauding. You have hope that the sun will still rise, that there'll be water flowing out the hose when you turn the handle on, that life will continue on as it has done. And it means you have hope that you'll be around to enjoy the garden as it settles into existence the way it was meant to be.

At least, that's how I see it. I suppose old Mr. Brown, that excellent English gardener from centuries ago, would've seen it differently. He designed and planted gardens for the nobility that were deliberately planned so that they only came into their true being many generations after they were planted. Quite a far-sighted fellow, Mr. Brown.

Perhaps that's an even deeper sort of hope?

Dinner's Menu: Southwest Chicken Casserole

2006-06-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight's menu for dinner is Southwest Chicken Casserole, courtesy of the Whole Foods Cookbook, though, I'm tweaking the recipe to my liking. I've made this once before and it's dead simple and very good.

All you have to do is saute up some chicken with onion and garlic and then shred the chicken once it's cooked. Then, in a baking dish, layer corn tortillas, dollops of enchilada sauce (or tomato sauce if your taste buds are wimpish), the shredded chicken, sour cream, grated cheddar cheese, diced green chiles and artichoke hearts. Repeat that layering motif until you've maxed out the dish, and then top with chopped up bits of tortilla and more cheese. Bake in the oven for about 45 minutes at 375F.

Ah...I'm getting hungry just typing about it.

Sharks in the Water

2006-06-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

Another plug for Muggeridge. I'm about 3/4 of the way through his auto-biography, Chronicles of Wasted Time, and I must say it is highly intriguing. He lived during one of those periods where, due to his job, connections, education and upbringing, he was able to know amazing people and be in amazing situations. Moscow during the thirties. Churchill, HG Wells, Gandhi, the Viceroy of India, the Webbs (Beatrice Webb was actually his wife's aunt, which afforded Muggeridge a splendid reception by the Communists in Moscow).

Anyway, even though he was a journalist, he makes extremely caustic remarks about his profession. An interesting one that just floated by was his metaphor that journalists are like sharks in the water, swarming after the ocean liner of society, devouring the garbage that is thrown overboard. Sometimes a passenger falls overboard and the sharks obviously make short work of him. Sometimes, of course, the whole liner goes down...

The Ticking of the Clocks

2006-06-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

What waits beyond the ticking of the clocks?

Criminals Are In Favor Of Gun Control

2006-06-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

A typical thought-blip of liberals is that gun control is a good thing. Get rid of guns and that will do away with violent crime. Outlaw those handguns and people won't be blowing other people away.

It's a nice thought, but it's a fatally flawed thought. For one thing, there is an extensive black market in weapons and that is primarily where criminals obtain their guns. Gun control legislation doesn't affect criminal ownership of guns. What it does affect, though, is the ownership of guns by law-abiding citizens (who do not tend to buy their guns on the black market).

Criminals, however, appreciate gun control because it means that whenever they mug someone or break into a house, the odds of their victim possessing a gun are greatly lessened.

Gun control keeps criminals safer and allows them to do their jobs with greater freedom.

What We Can And Cannot Do These Days

2006-06-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

It's a bit unnerving to contemplate what we can and cannot do these days. In times past, it was common that a man be able to hunt, fish, farm, mould his own bullets, build a house and a barn, etc., smoke meat, raise livestock, kill another man with reasonable fortitude if his family were threatened, and read John Locke with decent patience.

In times not so distant (this from talking with older relatives) it was common that a man know how to build a house, run plumbing and electricity, take apart and fix his own engines, lay tile and cement, dig and sheathe a well, slaughter livestock and finish them into proper cuts and sausage, and exist quite happily without a television.

In our times, it is quite common that a man knows how to program his dvd player and Tivo player, hook up a home ethernet system, shop online for used XBox games, and competently use the various programs of Microsoft Office. Additionally, such a man can probably barbecue satisfactorily on a gas grill, run a power mower and a weed eater that plugs into a very long extension cord.

Simple Things

2006-06-12T20:35:00.000-07:00

There's something extremely satisfying about a slice of sourdough, broiled with cheddar cheese, tomatoes, onions and mushrooms on it.

Tresspassers Will

2006-06-11T16:17:00.000-07:00

We live on a ranch of about one hundred acres, several miles out of town. Currently growing lettuce, strawberries and cauliflower. Our house is right up on the road, with a small tractor yard adjoining it.

Today, after lunch, I looked out our back window to see two trucks parked down at the end of the ranch. Several figures were visible, and I could see the dust of a four-wheeler pluming into the air. I trudged out and confronted them. It was a young family out celebrating the fine weather with their new four-wheeler.

They explained to me that they hadn't realized they were on private property.

Uh, okay. Look, fellow, you load up your four-wheeler, you drive down several miles of country road, you turn down a dirt road in the middle of nowhere and rumble down that several hundred yards; you stop, surrounded by rows of strawberries of cauliflower and think to yourself, "gee, this must be public property."

Perhaps such idiocy and disregard of the basic rule of law is not surprising, given that half the country seems to see nothing wrong with millions of people illegally crossing our borders and, subsequently, illegaly residing in our country.

Perhaps it is not surprising due to the general sentiment that a lot of people have regarding open country. They think of it as "open space" and that they, the public, have some sort of right to it as a nice view, to be kept pristine and green. Such a sentiment starts to lend a sense of ownership, however misguided and baseless, in those who entertain it.

Anyway, I kicked the tresspassers off the ranch.

Private property. Tresspassers will be prosecuted.