ToadRocket

Calvin Klein's New Angle on Life

2007-03-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

They've trademarked the bogus word "technosexual" and are apparently bent on creating a whole line of fashion for it.

Whatever. These are the days when I wish I had a swarm of super speedy swamp slugs at my disposal. I would send them post-haste to Manhattan to the Calvin Klein office for a little swarming.

Maybe I should trademark the word "hecknosexual?"

The Academy Awards Rhyme with Gourd

2007-02-26T16:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure where to go from there, but it's the awful truth. I suppose if the Academy Awards were held on some Polynesian island where the men only wear penis-gourds, maybe they would be called the Academy Gourds.

Or maybe not. I don't think I'm going to lose much time thinking about that one.

At any rate. The Academy Awards of 2007.

Who cares?

California Needs A Spanking

2007-02-24T17:33:00.000-08:00

California needs a spanking. The state needs it for lots of reasons, of course, chief among them Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, and the fact that we let Hollywood and all of its plastic, botoxed demi-gods keep on churning out moronic movies.

However, the latest reason is Assemblywoman Sally Leiber of San Jose. Leiber, a Democrat, has introduced a bill that will outlaw spanking. AB 755. Of course, she doesn't have any children. Corporal punishment, whether you like it or not, gets the job done and keeps kids in line. It has worked well for millions of families over the ages without any great complaint or subsequent neuroses.

Granted, anything in life can be abused and misused. But just because something is misused doesn't mean it should be outlawed. If you followed that logic, we'd be banning butter right and left, as well as practically everything else around here. Cheese would definitely get banned. A lot of people abuse and misuse cheese, if you know what I mean.

Here's my ad hominem attack for the day: Sally Leiber, judging from her photos, should concentrate on banning butter rather than spanking. That would probably have an immediate and positive effect on her.

Costco and the Polish

2007-02-24T17:22:00.000-08:00

No, this is not a racist post. I have nothing against the Polish people. Costco, as far as I know, has nothing against the Polish people as well. They fought the Nazis and the Soviets, and that's good enough in my book (as an aside to my previous Peace Activist post - what would these peace activists have done when the Soviet tanks were rolling into town? - "oh pardon me, Mr. Kommisar, we're for peace!" He would've probably raised one thick eyebrow and then packed the lot of 'em off to Siberia).

Rather, Costco should be applauded, praised, lauded and celebrated for the great deal they have on the Polish & Drink at their outside food counter. $1.50 for a 1/4 pound Polish and a Drink. Ah, heaven on earth.

Peace Activists and Godzilla

2007-02-24T17:08:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, some peace activists scuttle out of whatever broken down '73 VW bus they live in and deposit themselves, like unwanted minerals on your toilet porcelain, at one of the main intersections in my town.
They were out in force today, mainly due to the nice weather, I suppose. They had signs with sayings like: "Honk For Peace" or "Down With Bush" or just the peace symbol.
One of the mildly interesting things about these folks is that they all look like scraggly leftovers from the 60s.
Anyway, it is at times like these that I have a tough time holding onto my christianity. Driving past them, the thought struck me that it might be nice to be able to control wild animals or at least insects with my mind. That way, I could send a swarm of mosquitos onto the peace activists and see how long they stay peaceful.
Or, maybe it would be productive to get my own sign and stand among 'em. My sign would say something like: "Honk If You Think Peace Activists Are Dopes" or "Honk If You Think War Is Sometimes Necessary" or "Honk If You Think The Guy Next To Me Is A Weenie."
Or, maybe it'd be nice if Godzilla just showed up and ate 'em all.

The Marriage of Rick Warren and Barack Obama

2006-12-10T15:06:00.000-08:00

Rick Warren, pastor and author of The Purpose Driven Life, had Senator Barack Obama out to his church last week to speak about AIDS and prevention. The Senator received a standing ovation. One church member remarked afterward that, "If I had my preference, abstinence would get the most emphasis. But I'm not so insensitive to other cultures and other ways of thinking to know that abstinence is not always going to be the answer."

The logic behind Warren inviting Obama to speak is less than compelling. The church member's response is, frankly, something worse than moronic. If you follow that logic with other issues, the stupidity of it becomes a bit more glaring. Consider it with the issue of murder: "If I had my preference, not murdering folks would get the most emphasis. But I'm not so insensitive to other cultures and other ways of thinking to know that not murdering folks is not always going to be the answer."

Rick Warren needs to retire.

Sad But True Joke

2006-12-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

What's the difference between a developer and an environmentalist?

A developer wants to build a home in the country. An environmentalist has a home in the country.

Hillary Clinton for Prez

2006-12-03T16:53:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like Hillary Clinton is semi-officially in the race to become our next President. She's put together an exploratory team together to investigate her options.

I'd like to put an exploratory team together to investigate options of immigrating to another galaxy before 2008.

Louie's Bull

2006-11-30T19:38:00.000-08:00

Recently, I wrote a song called Poor Louie's Bull and then posted it several days ago on my song blog. The song's about one of our local county supervisors - a dairyman - who made an unpopular vote on a development permit. This resulted in his bull getting assassinated one night. Some psychotic twit cut through the fence and blew the bull away.
Great material for music.
Anyway, little did I know...
The local papers got hold of it and ran stories about the song and the bull (the murder happened one year ago). Now, besides the Monterey Herald and the Salinas Californian, the Sacramento Bee, the San Jose Mercury News, some paper up in San Francisco, one in San Luis Obispo and the Contra Costa Times have all run the story.
Whee...
Wonder what I should sing about next?

Ahmadinejad's Letter to America

2006-11-29T21:16:00.000-08:00

I was recently intrigued, as you probably were, my dear Wormwood, to read Ahmadinejad's letter written to the American people. However, as the poor fellow does not speak English and doubtlessly could not afford a top-class translator due to falling oil prices, I've taken it upon myself to explain his letter in order to compensate for the mediocre translation.

In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful. O, Almighty God, bestow upon humanity the perfect human being promised to all by You, and make us among his followers. (my guess is that he's referring to Tom Cruise with that "perfect human" bit)

Noble Americans,

Were we not faced with the activities of the US administration in this part of the world and the negative ramifications of those activities on the daily lives of our peoples, (he means that he can't behead people in peace anymore) coupled with the many wars and calamities caused by the US administration as well as the tragic consequences of US interference in other countries; (he means tragic in terms of stopping Hitler from killing all the Jews)

Were the American people not God-fearing, truth-loving, and justice-seeking, (yes, we are justice-seeking and there are a lot of shotguns in small-town America just waiting to blow a load of rock-salt into your scrawny heinie) while the US administration actively conceals the truth and impedes any objective portrayal of current realities; (your reality is on par with a Barney video teaching kids how to blow themselves up while chanting "I love you, you love me")

And if we did not share a common responsibility to promote and protect freedom and human dignity and integrity; (your freedom is about blowing people up and stoning women; our freedom is about stopping you, which might mean blowing you up)

Then, there would have been little urgency to have a dialogue with you. (the only dialogue we need to have with you is to determine what color you want your straightjacket to be)

While Divine providence has placed Iran and the United States geographically far apart, we should be cognizant that human values and our common human spirit, (we value humans, and you blow them up - I suppose there is some kind of weird commonality in that) which proclaim the dignity and exalted worth of all human beings, have brought our two great nations of Iran and the United States closer together. (yes, come closer... a little bit closer, and then we'll open up a can of good old southern whupass)

Both our nations are God-fearing, truth-loving and justice-seeking, and both seek dignity, respect and perfection. (you folks see perfection in explosions, kind of like the old Russian anarchists - they're all dead, so maybe you should clue in on that)

Both greatly value and readily embrace the promotion of human ideals such as compassion (Muslims prefer stoning women who have been raped), empathy (...also prefer to kill cartoonists who offend them), respect for the rights of human beings (...slaughter film-makers who offend them), securing justice and equity (...riot like there's no tomorrow if they feel offended), and defending the innocent and the weak against oppressors and bullies. (unless they're infidels, women, children, Jews, white people, short people, fat people, homosexuals, Christians, Americans, Westerners, Republicans, members of the Elks Lodge, trade unionists, folks from Scranton, Pennsylvania, or anyone with two kidneys or not)

We are all inclined towards the good, and towards extending a helping hand to one another, particularly to those in need. (yes, a helping hand holding a knife)

We all deplore injustice, the trampling of peoples' rights and the intimidation and humiliation of human beings. (unless we're talking about infidels, and pretty much everyone is an infidel)

We all detest darkness, deceit, lies and distortion, and seek and admire salvation, enlightenment, sincerity and honesty. (that means he's very fond of the New York Times)

The pure human essence of the two great nations of Iran and the United States testify to the veracity of these statements. (human essence? you mean, we all poop out of our backsides?)

Noble Americans,

Our nation has always extended its hand of friendship to all other nations of the world. (yeah, sure - the fist of friendship, the chattering AK-47 of friendship, the beautiful explosion of C4 friendship)

Hundreds of thousands of my Iranian compatriots are living amongst you in friendship and peace, and are contributing positively to your society (ie., ready to blow themselves up in malls and churches and McDonalds when you say the word). Our people have been in contact with you over the past many years and have maintained these contacts despite the unnecessary restrictions of US authorities. (unnecessary restrictions such as visas and immigration control? oh right, I forgot, you just pay some guy in Mexicali $1000 and he waltzes you across the border)

As mentioned, we have common concerns, face similar challenges, and are pained by the sufferings and afflictions in the world. (you mean, you're pained by the existence of Israel and want to blow them off the map, after which, you'd like to blow everyone else off the map)
We, like you, are aggrieved by the ever-worsening pain and misery of the Palestinian people. (but we don't want them in our country of Iran or any other Muslim country, of course; they can stay and suffer where they are, as they provide great photo-ops for our fellow comrades in CNN and al-Reuters) Persistent aggressions by the Zionists are making life more and more difficult for the rightful owners of the land of Palestine. (it isn't important that the Jewish settlers bought the land from the locals) In broad day-light, in front of cameras and before the eyes of the world, they are bombarding innocent defenseless civilians, bulldozing houses, firing machine guns at students in the streets and alleys, and subjecting their families to endless grief. (of course, we won't mention all the brave suicide bombers blowing up women and children in shopping malls)

The letter continues, but my patience does not. Essentially, Ahmadina-whatever-his-name goes on in further leaps and bounds of textual idiocy to make a compelling and fascinating case for being the world's most profound jackass. He's right up there with several of our best and brightest in Hollywood who, in years past, have dared to open their mouths without the benefit of a scriptwriter. Ahmadina-whatever-his-name, however, clearly takes the loony-cake. Soberingly enough, though, Hitler very well might have been considered a loony on the merits of Mein Kampf before he rose to power. We might be facing a similar man, similar absurdities, and the similar approach of a very wicked day.

Haven't Posted For A While

2006-11-28T13:25:00.000-08:00

Time flies. The turkey is dead, stuffed, baked and gone. And so rolls the wheel of life. I'm starting to think that everyone has an angle. Either get the latest model of Honda, build a better IRA portfolio, or beat the axe by as many months as possible. Even the turkey probably has an angle.

Ex-Guantanamo Prisoners Suing Rumsfeld

2006-11-10T13:16:00.000-08:00

How interesting. At least, interesting in a way similar to how it might be interesting if an over-caffeinated squirrel scampered up and started gnawing on your ankle. Your ankle, not mine.

Rumsfeld is being sued by 11 Iraqis and 1 Saudi in German court for alleged war crime abuses in Guantanamo Bay. What a crock. Being held as a prisoner-of-war is all part of war. What part of "war" don't people understand? War is a brutal, messy, dreadful, but sometimes extremely necessary thing. People get hurt and - yes, don't gasp - killed during war.

Being held as a prisoner-of-war should not equate to being at the Club Med or even being held in a typical American prison (complete with color TV, hot showers, modern exercise equipment, free college education, and extremely well-balanced meals).

Of course, Angela Merkel and most of the German population are disgusted at the charges, but are bound by the inherent liberality of the German judicial system, which basically allows loonies like the 12 in question to prance in and sue away at whoever they please.

The so-called right to press suit against anyone for whatever reason at all has completely gotten out of hand. We have black people wanting white people to pay up due to what other people did over a hundred years ago (and why aren't they heading over to Africa to sue the tribes over there that originally sold their great-great-great-etcs into slavery?). We have people suing McDonalds over too-hot coffee. We have burglars suing the burgled due to overly dangerous house environments (ie., the burglar tripped on Junior's skateboard while burling and broke his leg). We have treehuggers suing loggers on behalf of the spotted owl (who probably doesn't give a &*#$ about the whole thing, but would be happy just to poop on anyone's head). And now we have prisoners-of-war suing those who imprisoned them and neglected to bring them their Kurans with sufficent humility and reverence.

What a crock.

Actress Assaults the Elderly

2006-11-09T21:50:00.000-08:00

Apparently, this is news these days.

Some actress named Denise Richards, who ennobled the world by acting in Starship Troopers as well as Scary Movie 3 (both quality movies and worthy of being written and directed by Shakespeare, no doubt), scuffled with a paparazzi and, in the ensuing fracas, hurled the paparazzi's laptop over a balcony, whereupon the laptop succumbed to gravity and fell upon two elderly women two stories below with great force as if they were mere wheat beneath its sickle.

To make matters worse, one of the elderly women was wheelchair-bound and was thus unable to dive nimbly out of the way when she saw the laptop advancing upon her. Though, to be honest, I doubt whether she saw the laptop advancing upon her as most elderly these days don't spend a lot of time looking to the heavens (unless they're Pentecostals); rather, they spend a great deal of time admiring the flowers around them (if they happen to be strolling or rolling through a garden), or putting on their shoes (which strictly involves looking down), or looking around for their yapping poodle Fritzi (if they own such an abomination).

Now, my first question out of all of this, aside from the rather frightening topic of why this sort of story is news these days, why do we persist in calling such gatherers of non-news "paparazzi?" The word dehumanizes, not unlike the term "tissue blob" dehumanizes the unborn child. When one refers to the poor, defenseless (laptop-less) photographer merely out to make an honest living as "paparazzi," I suppose the next step is to pack them into cattle-cars and truck them off to Poland.

My second and last question prompted by this sordid tale is whether or not beautiful actresses (I'm assuming that Ms. Richards is beautiful as Hollywood tends to ignore those who are not - hence, the flourishing plastic surgery trade in southern California) have a great fear of the elderly. I suppose they see their steadily encroaching doom in the face of every elderly person they meet. Those wrinkles, that grey hair, the colostomy bag all await them, and no amount of time spent sweating in the gym and no amount of money spent on Botox can ever ultimately stem such a fate.

I wonder if Ms. Richards' attack on the poor little paparazzi (perhaps paparazzi aren't even human but are merely a species of small, shy Italian woodland creature?) was merely a pretext to allow her to work her violence on the octogenarians below?

Aliens Could Attack At Any Time!

2006-11-09T21:39:00.000-08:00

No, I did not write that headline merely to sucker the gullible into reading this post.

The concern of imminent space-borne attack actually is that of Nick Pope, the recently resigned head of the UFO Project at Britain's Ministry of Defense.

Pope believes that Britain is being covertly observed by aliens that fly about in, well, flying ships. He's not sure if they have hostile intent, but it would be better to be prepared for the worst rather than expect them to merely land to pass out free doughnuts.

Which is why it's time to dig out your tinfoil hat.

Friends, Enemies, and the Wearing of the Men's Speedo

2006-11-09T21:21:00.000-08:00

I wonder what Al-Qaeda thinks about the current election results? Was Osama bin-Laden and his various turbaned cronies watching the returns on CNN, popcorn and roast goat niblets in hand, rooting for Jim Webb to beat George Allen in Virginia? Did they cheer, fire their AK-47s in the air and shout "Allah Akhbar!" when Ted Kennedy was returned for another six years in the Senate? Did they bow to Mecca and spend a moment in thankful prayer when Tester beat Burns in Montana?

I don't know about the popcorn (as the Kuran is ominously silent on the subject of popcorn), but I rather think the rest might be plausible. The Democrat Party in general (except for Joe Lieberman, and he isn't a Democrat anymore) tends to favor cutting and running as a tactic in military conflicts, taking their foreign policy cues from the boldly Napoleonic strategies of the French (a nation which they admire and emulate in other matters as well, such as the public wearing of the men's speedo). One would conclude, then, that such military maneouvers would fit in well with al-Qaeda's own ideas about what is sensible strategy for their own fighters: a maneouver called Sibbawayh al-Tazallit, which basically involves boldly advancing on retreating enemies, shooting them in the buttocks and then shouting "Allah Akhbar" while dancing with one's camel.

All of which seems to favor the idea that, when it became clear that Nancy Pelosi was the new Speaker of the House, Hizbullah broke out the grape juice in glee, fired a few celebratory rockets into Israel, while singing a traditional Hizbullah melody: "Saddiqaya nur-Banni iyyah yah" (or "Celebrate good times, come on! Let's celebrate! [lyrics attributed by most sane people to a little-know 80s band called Kool and the Gang, though claimed as well by Hizbullah to be written by the Lebanese composer Muqtar al-Fanni]).

Buy Your Woodstove While You Still Can...

2006-11-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

Ah...the inmates are running the asylum now. Barbara Boxer has just been named Chair of the Senate Environmental Public Works Committee. She has declared that one of her main goals will be cutting greenhouse gases, as she is greatly concerned about global warming.

Phooey. Policies generated by lunatic beliefs as shaky as a flamingo with two broken legs?

Next, we're going to see policies generated by a belief in the abominable snowman. Anyone peeing in the snow (ie., the critical habitat of the abominable s.) will be fined $10,000 and given two years in solitary. Affirmative action for tall, hairy people of indeterminate sex who live in the snow (ie., North Dakota, Minnesota or Tibet) and express themselves by grunting and bashing people over the head with icicles. Hate crimes against said hairy, abominable people will be prosecuted vigorously. The word "abominable" will be re-defined to mean "caring, debonair and good at mixing cocktails."

If people are really serious about curbing greenhouse gases, then they should stop eating legumes (that's "beans" to those of you who didn't go to college), cork up their cows (you know what I mean), and lobby against volcanoes (the worst perpetrators of all).

Alright, alright - out of deference to the fact that Senator Boxer is from my state of California, I'll shuffle into line behind her along with all the rest of the sheeple.

Stop Greenhouse Gases! Ban the Bean Burrito!

And buy yourself a woodstove while you can, before they're banned.

How Stupid Are We?

2006-11-07T21:56:00.000-08:00

I guess in terms of politicans and politics, we get what we deserve. That is, we get what we collectively deserve.

We have just achieved our first Muslim Congressman: Keith Ellison from Minneapolis. He has quite a dark past: member of the Nation of Islam, fundraiser for CAIR (and CAIR did fund-raising for his campaign), outspoken anti-Semite, etc. One of the depressing thing about Ellison is that his background was quite public, easily accessible, well-documented on the internet, yet he still got elected.

(As an aside, don't even start your mental gymnastics concerning Islam being a religion of peace and all that codswallop. It ain't. It is what it is. Some things in life are closed-system concepts, such as basic mathematics. 2+2 is always going to equal 4. Gravity always means attracting forces exert between objects. The speed of light stays constant. These are all concepts, factoids, things that are inherently true to what they are, because if they weren't, then they would not exist. They don't change due to public opinion or what's new in popular culture or whether enough botoxed Hollywood stars are whining. It's the same with Islam. It is what it is, and the world-view itself, the concept, the philosophy, the religion as written down at certain times and places in history, codified in the Kuran and it's attendant theological works, is a freakishly evil piece of mind-thrash. So sue me for being a bigoted Westerner. I'm just saying 2+2 is 4.)

Here in lovely enlightened California, we just voted in a whole mess of bonds. Schools, water, parks, dams, levees, etc. Bonds basically mean shoving the future down a bankrupt hole. Hello future - we're gonna hurt you. Do people even know what they're voting for? I guess the average American isn't capable of living within their means, so why should I expect them to think their government should live within its means.

And it looks like Nancy Pelosi is going to be the Speaker of the House...

End times are good times.

The Fountain of Youth Discovered in Kansas Under Old Lady's Bed!

2006-11-06T07:40:00.000-08:00

No, just kidding, though I suppose it might be true. Stranger things have happened.

Actually, I've just posted some songs to my songblog Tunescribble. Nope - they're not political. I'd advise you to drop everything and go listen to 'em. They'll change your life or at least maybe prompt you to have some cereal or something.

Treehugging

2006-11-03T17:05:00.000-08:00

A recent study on Arboreal Pyschology by Herr Professor Doktor Bruno Sprungli of the University of Flarmstadt in Bavaria has brought to light some interesting and hitherto unknown facts. After several years of analyzing the Western Reticulated Maple, the Common British Oak and the Continental Yew (as opposed to the Intercontinental Yew, which is merely a type of Chinese ballistic missile), Professor Sprungli discovered that trees possess certain psychological characteristics that, if viewed in light of the several strands of common DNA that they share with homo sapiens, should have been self-evident. Specifically, they can feel joy, fear, anger and several variations between those three. After several repetitions of unfortunate incidents in the laboratory involving various graduate students and falling branches, Professor Sprungli discovered that trees enjoy dropping heavy objects on people and animals (which was sadly proven one day when Doktor Amalie Meissen-Hittenstrassen's Pekinese wandered into the lab). Furthermore, after the study was joined by several doctoral students from the Environmetal Studies Department of the University of California, Berkley, Professor Sprungli realized that trees hate being hugged. In fact, there is a direct correlation between arboreal hugging and the incident of branches being dropped on heads (usually of those who have previously come into close and prolonged contact with the trees' trunks).

When asked to elaborate on his theory for the Berliner Zeitung, Professor Sprungli remarked, "Ja, if der folksen hiken in den foresten, mussen wearen diese kitchen potten on der head."

I Love John Kerry

2006-11-03T17:03:00.000-08:00

Seriously. As in, I love apple pie, sushi, autumn weather, LOTR and the sound leeks make when sliced.

Chick Pea Chick

2006-10-29T16:36:00.000-08:00

I think one of the next songs I need to write will be titled: Chick Pea Chick. It'll be all about that strange subculture of American women devoted to veganism, aversion to shaving their underams and legs, birkenstocks and religiously voting for liberal causes that they probably have little to no understanding of. Aren't I terrible? Yes. Anyway, it should make for an interesting tune. Should be punk folk, I suppose. Ideally, it should be punk rock, but I don't have the production capabilities to do rock.

I also have a great idea welling up somewhere for a song about Garlic Nan. The chorus would be a sort of droning chant with the following lyrics: Nan nan nan garlic nan nan nan. For the record, I like garlic nan.

No, I'm not crazy.

Summer Is Still Here...

2006-10-28T11:53:00.000-07:00

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Etcetera, sung to the tune of Handel's Messiah.

Off to the beach.

Heh...

2006-10-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

"An election is coming. Universal peace is declared and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry."
T.S. Eliot

Mortgages

2006-10-26T21:51:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the costs incurred by interest in a 30-year mortgage at 10% interest result in the homeowner purchasing the house more than three times over the original price?

That's rather alarming.

Interim Song Blog Site

2006-10-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

I just put up an interim song blog site so I don't go crazy waiting for my real song blog site to get developed (it's in the design stage at the moment).

I'm definitely not putting these songs up to make friends, so feel free to be irritated. The first song is about eminent domain and the greedy land-grabbing excesses of government, as exemplfied in the need to have such ballot measures as the current Proposition 90 in California.